Dec 27, 2011


Every encounter is fate.

You should know better.

Then, who am I to disagree with His plan?


Everything comes back in a flash.

All at once.

Dec 26, 2011


25/12/08 - In Kerala, on a houseboat. The happy very first trip on my first year.

25/12/09 - In Mannali. Forgot where we stayed. The coldest place I ever went. And some bitter memories.

25/12/10 - At Steakhouse. Got a bouquet of pink roses, and a horrible fish meal. Had the pleasure to make a wishlist.

25/12/11 - At home. Still cold as it always be at end of the year. But certain things changed. Went out yesterday, shopped a lot.

I think the older we grow, the lonelier we get.

More mistakes.

More regrets.

More selfish.

More individualistic.

More keep-it-to-yourself attitude.

Less people remember.

Or, is it just me?

Dec 25, 2011

End is coming.

I've spent my entire childhood in this city. Been wandering here and there after 16 years old, but still, so many memories I had here.

At this beach.

It's truly sad, to watch things you love disappeared and destroyed.


Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
Soon you're gonna see your brighter day

The Voice Within
Christina Aguilera

Happy birthday, myself.

Dec 19, 2011


We used to hang out in that beach. Jogged early in the morning and watched the sun rose up from the horizon to meet the clouds. Beautiful, blissful. Enjoyed crispy keropok and fried noodles in those lovely evenings of my early teenage years before chasing my youngest sister along the seashore. I swear, her footprints were as little as the turtle's, too wonderful to be forgotten. We searched for shells and then painted them, made collages out of it.

That same beach is gone, nearly gone. Little by little.

We're reaching the end of the world, isn't it?

Dec 14, 2011


Have we, a story?

Or did I just made it up in my mind?

Can't be sure, don't know how to be sure.


I miss the smell of ocean.

Dec 12, 2011

I'm fine, we're all gonna be fine.

I believe, it's the best thing I can do for the time being.
For everyone's sake.

Allah, I wish to be strong.
Make me more considerate in every decision I made.
And patient.

Dec 9, 2011


Allah loves me very much. In my ups and downs. When I stray away, He pulls me back. When I get lost in this temporary world, He reminds me where I'll permanently return. Again and again. Every single time.

His love is more than anything in this world. Anything.

Alhamdulillah. Nothing more I can say.

Dec 7, 2011

Life plan.

1. Get MBBS done by 2013.

2. Survive the 2-year housemanship in one piece.

3. Pay back all the tax-payers money by working in government hospital for 3 years.

4. Apply for post-graduate course in Emergency Medicine.

5. Join Mercy Malaysia.

For once, I think I have some plan to do with my life. Not just hoping, but work for it. Not just complaining, but push my limit to get it done.

InsyaAllah, at His will.

Dec 4, 2011


I started blogging in my early first year in med school. November 2008, if I'm not mistaken. I made my first blog at Friendster (I don't know if this site still exists or have become extinct), then Blogspot. I used to have one also at Wordpress, just as an experiment because I love trying new things. I also used to have two separate accounts. Don't ask why, I'm just something complicated beyond norm.

Back then, I wrote everything that came across my mind. I wrote everyday. I wrote my opinions about certain things. I wrote about my journey to college on feet. I wrote about facts. I wrote about interesting things. I wrote about what I did when I get bored. But most of the times, I just wrote craps and finishing tags. It feels great to write. It feels like I put my heart and brain into written words that people can understand. To be understood, is a rare thing. Though not many people read them, I'm satisfied.

But I deleted my previous blogs. I even created a new account. I can't explain why, but I would say my life had been completely changed for the past two years. People change, everyday. Sometimes it happens so quick before we even notice. And sometimes, I miss the old me. I can barely remember now what kind of person I used to be.

I used to write in Malay very often. It sounded nice. But now, I seldom do so. Writing in Malay reminds me of a person, a friend maybe. She was my inspiration. I was totally in love with her writings because they reminded me of myself so much. Like she and me were very much alike. But now I don't know what happened to us. I made a mistake of which I won't mention here. And I think she hated me for that. That's why writing in Malay reminds me of her, and that makes my heart aches.

I miss a lot of things. If I have the power, I would go to the past and bring them to the present. But to live my life forward, certain things are ought to be left behind. Whatever happened, it is the best. Whether I like it or not. Whatever that didn't kill me makes me a whole lot stronger. Because pain galvanizes us.

And here I am, still breathing.

Dec 3, 2011

Aren't we all?

An alter ego is a second self, which is believe to be distinct from a person's normal or original personality. The term was coined in the early nineteenth century when dissociative identity disorder was first described by psychologists. A person with an alter ego is said to lead a double life.

source: Wikipedia 

Nov 27, 2011


I miss the place, and the feeling.

When a day like this arrives.

Tired. I'm tired of people.

I'm tired of listening. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of giving excuses. I'm tired of feeling annoyed. I'm tired of keeping the anger inside. I'm tired of putting a nice face. I'm tired of people expecting something. I'm tired of lying.

I need a rest. Away. Please.

Nov 26, 2011


Today is a sad day.

I questioned myself enough of how did this thing happen despite my carefulness. For once I let myself loose, and now it's gone.

But I am blessed with great friends. Nothing more I need now.


Sometimes I pity her. But what to do? She hurts too many people.

The lesson here is, the more you know the humbler you should be.

Note to self,
Don't take off your common sense. Wear it as your skin.

Nov 21, 2011

New leaf.

Kebelakangan ini hidup sangat sibuk, macam dah jadi HO.
Ke sana ke mari dari pagi sampai petang tanpa henti, terkadang malam baru jejak rumah.
Tapi, hati sudah kurang sesak.
Sebab ia dah jadi sesejuk bongkah ais yang dilanggar Titanic.
Puas, aku puas dengan hidup.

Today I went to Prithvi to buy a stack of hard-covered books, after posting.
God knows how tired I was.
And then, on our way back home it's really hard to get an auto from there.
Then there was him.
An old man wearing khaki-coloured uniform, an auto driver I supposed.
He asked where we're going, and then helped us out by asking every auto that passed by.
See? Not all Indians are bad, same as not all Malaysians are kind.
Somehow I feel like 'tempe' is not an appropriate nickname.
How would you react if people call Malaysians as 'budu', or 'belacan'?


Sometimes, I care too much about what people would think

Too much hypocrisy would kill ya, ain't it?

Kill you deep down inside

Makes you feel you're not worth anything, or anyone.


Is it called depression when your mood suddenly turns upside down?

Like one second you're smiling, and the next you hate the whole world.

Yeah, sometimes I hate the whole world for so many reasons.

Or no reason at all.

Nov 20, 2011

Pintu suka hati.

When I see you, I can see my whole life ahead of me with you in it.

Nah, it happens even when I don't see you.

Weird, isn't it?

Nov 19, 2011


Note to self,

Listen to this. And it makes you feel the problems you have in life is nothing to compare to what he's been through. Yet, he's not giving up.

Nov 13, 2011


It feels like time has stopped for a while. Away from all the nonsense craps thrown into my life recently. It feels great to be in a good distance from reality and pretend nothing matters. It feels great, to be home.

We (me and my sisters) played Uno and Bingo, and also that game in which one of us chose a letter and everybody had to think of a country, fruit, thing and so on that started with it. It's been a long time since we last played these games. I remembered they used to be small little kids for me to bully around. They grow up. Everybody grows up. I feel like a parent watching her children turning into adolescents. It's kind of sad, actually.

My family is pretty weird. We don't talk much on the phone, but when we meet the presence of every single one of us is totally a blessing. I feel safe. Secured. Happy. I smile and laugh all the time. No room for a little piece of sorrow and depression to creep and crawl beneath my skin. I feel alive.

Give me family, on a Sunday
And I'll be just fine
There's nothing in the world
That's worth more of my time

So Simple
Stacie Orrico

Nov 4, 2011


When moments like these arrive, I feel like talking to you

Moments of sorrow

Moments of disappointments

Moments of frustrations

I never wanted to open up to someone

Even when the darkest night comes

But at this moment, I really want to pour everything onto you

Like the moments before, and before, and before

But I never did.

Nov 3, 2011


Saya punya banyak kenangan. Ada yang saya dah buang. Ada yang saya dah padam. Tapi tak pernah ada satu pun yang hilang. Kadang-kadang bila teringat saya akan senyum sendirian, kadang-kadang menangis seorangan. Semuanya saya sayang.

I've said enough. Only time will prove what is meant to be and what isn't.

Oct 31, 2011


"Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation."

-Graham Greene

Oct 23, 2011


To move on, we have to let go of everything. EVERYTHING.

I'm done with all these insatiable craps.

Oct 16, 2011


Lately I've been feeling empty. Like there's a hole inside of me. I'm happy but at the same time I'm worried. I feel so far away from God. I have a conflict of who I want to be and who I should be. I prioritize the things that I should put behind. I place my heart in the wrong direction. Everything keeps going in reverse. Like I'm falling off a cliff.

I should put a stop to this, or else I will fall further down until I cannot reach up again. People say you'll know when your 'iman' turns upside down. I'm feeling it, not for the first time but this time seems longer than usual. I'm afraid I don't have enough time to enrich my soul. know, not one of us know how much longer do we have before becoming a lifeless being.

Remembering death creeps me out, don't you? There's so much we want to do, but the most important is what is our priority?

Oct 12, 2011

Cage of responsibility.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

-Mark Twain

But I'm stuck. Totally miserably stuck.

Oct 10, 2011


I want to be numb. As cold as the winter. As hard as the ice.

But in the end, I melt away.

Let me live.

Let me cut my own hair.
If it looks horrible,
let me learn not to touch scissors and that hair grows back.

Let me spend my money.
If the shirts too little and the store doesn't give refunds,
let me learn to save my cash.

Let me flunk my test.
If I fail the class and miss the honor list,
let me learn to study more.

Let me miss the shot.
If my team loses and I'm on the bench,
let me learn to concentrate on the basket.

Let me go out past curfew.
If I get grounded and miss that big party this weekend,
let me learn to follow the rules.

But most important, let me live.
If I learn a lesson,
you've done your part.

Jennifer Danley

I learnt from mistakes. 
But most of the time, I never really did.

Oct 6, 2011

One among many.

Bulimia is an illness in which a person binges on food or has regular episodes of overeating and feels a loss of control. The affected person then uses various methods - such as vomiting or laxative abuse - to prevent weight gain.

It's not that bad actually, or so I think.
Is it self-destructive?

Oct 5, 2011

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice

Sep 27, 2011


I write more often than I talk to people. Yeah, I'm not good with people, human beings. Wrong choice of career though.

It's hard to be a woman. Our minds are frequently clouded by emotions. At certain times, or all the time. I tend to think too much. Over thinking makes me so upset about many things, about many people. It feels like everything happened has something to do with me. Too much burden to carry, too much emotion to handle. If only I could shut down my mind like a computer. Off.

We all wanted to be a part of something's important to someone. That their lives would be less meaningful without you, that their smiles would be less curved if you're not around, that everything they do they thought of you. What if we did become something to someone, but only later to find out we've lost the privilege?

It hurts to the bone.

Sep 26, 2011


It's like holding a glass bowl full of water. So fragile I'm afraid to move. What if I make one single mistake like taking a step too big, or kick a stone and fell, or bum into someone's shoulder, or any other possible way the water could splash and the bowl would break?

Because of that, I could not take even a step forward. Standing still at that very same spot while the whole world is moving around. In what way, could I let it go so that we're both not affected?

I used to be a moron who believes that in order to have something, I have to hold it tight. Never let my grasp loose. But in the end, everything breaks into pieces. One small fact about broken things you should know though, that they would never be the same as how they used to be. Cracks would be there, even the tiniest one.

So now tell me, could we start all over again and pretend nothing's ever happened?

Sep 21, 2011

Biggest lies.

Don't be nice to me. I hurt people unexpectedly.
Don't put hopes in me. I let people down miserably.
Don't like me. I'll make you feel guilty about that.
Don't love me. I can't love you the way you want me to.
Don't try to understand me. I am one freaking complicated creature God ever created.

We'll all die alone, why can't we live the same way?

Sep 20, 2011


I don't know where to write so that I couldn't be judged. Not facebook, not twitter. I need to write. Not that I want to. I just need to write everything down so that it doesn't keep lingering on my mind the freaking whole day. So that I could breathe.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe if someone view myself from the outside,  she would say I'm in a lucky place and position. To be surrounded by people like this is just a blessing. But sometimes, I think it's not. Sometimes I think it's too suffocating I couldn't breathe. Sometimes I think it's too restricting I want to escape. As much as I like the concept of 'kebersamaan', I couldn't help but regretting to be stuck inside of this tie.

I think my individualistic instinct is too strong. Cause I'm too used to be doing things on my own, in my own way. I'm too used to not be cared of. I'm too used to do things alone. I don't like people to intrude my space. I don't like people to intrude my mind. I don't like people to keep asking about my feelings. I'm not a little kid. I know when to talk if I have to, if I want to. Maybe because of the way I was being raised up, I don't talk about personal things to people so easily, not even my own family. I don't trust easily. I don't feel comfortable with people easily, even though she's someone I've known for the past 4 years.

I know I am someone who is so hard to be understood. Even my closest friend said that to me. I am a person with so much to be said on the inside, but express so little on the outside. At least that much you have to know about me.

Maybe I'll delete this post in the future. But all that I know is that, I need to write.

Sep 16, 2011


Aku seorang penagih tegar. Dan bahan tagihan aku adalah manusia. Susah mahu buang rasa ketagih, tahu?

Macam budak-budak kecil yang teringinkan lolipop bulat warna-warni. Dan kebetulan, kamu juga manis. 

Sep 8, 2011


The best I could do is to be ignorant.
Yes, be heartless.

Aug 24, 2011


Aku selalu mendengar cerita-cerita tentang kamu. Cerita yang lucu, sedih, serius, gembira dan perkara-perkara kecil yang tidak punya kaitan dengan aku. Semuanya tidak pernah membosankan. Boleh dikatakan ia adalah satu sumber kegembiraan buat aku, walau tak pernah aku zahirkan.

Tapi, pernahkah ada sampai cerita-cerita tentang aku pada kamu?

Aug 15, 2011

Emotional management.

Writing makes me come to my senses. Like pulling me to the center and balancing the whole thing inside of me. A mere way of expressing something underground, infamously. It makes me say what is unspoken. Opening a hole in my heart and let it poured out the sluggish debris of insanity and insecurity.

This is the black hole for me. A vacuum of nothingness. A place where I suck all the things I despised and ashamed of, mostly, and leave them here to rot.

I'm broken and screwed. Currently in the process of renovating my inside.

Aug 13, 2011


‎6 easy ways to earn even after death.

1) Give a copy of Qur'an to someone. Each time one reads from it, you gain.
2) Donate a wheelchair to a hospital. Each time sick person uses it, you gain.
3) Participate in building a Masjid.
4) Place water cooler in a public place.
5) Plant a tree. you gain whenever a person, animal sits in its shade or eats from it.
6)And the easiest of all, sharing this message with people.

Even if 1 applies any of the above, you gain :)

Aug 11, 2011


Allah sangat sayang pada aku. Pada ketika ini, waktu sedang sesak dengan segala ilmu yang mahu disumbat ke dalam setiap sel-sel otak, terlintas di hati. Allah sangat sayang pada aku.

Aku bukan hamba paling baik. Jauh lagi dari sempurna. Aku hanya manusia yang punya banyak lopong-lopong dosa dalam kronologi usia yang dikurnia. Aku pendosa yang tegar, sebenarnya. Masih.

Bila diputarkan kembali perjalanan hidup yang lalu, banyak masa aku jauh dariNya. Banyak masa aku leka dengan dunia, dengan manusia, dengan dosa. Melihat sekeliling, aku fikir 'Oh, ini tidak mengapa mungkin. Ramai saja yang berbuat perkara ini, kenapa aku tak boleh?'. Sahabat aku berkata, kita hidup ikut neraca Allah bukannya neraca manusia.

Jadi, mengapa perlu, walau untuk satu saat, mahu membiarkan diri mengikut hawa nafsu manusia lain? Atau menjadikan bahagia seseorang sebagai kayu ukur untuk kita gembira, walau terpesong dari ajaran agama?

Kita hidup bertuhan, hamba mana yang dibenarkan ingkar pada tuan?

Aug 6, 2011


Setiap jiwa mempunyai penyesalan-penyesalan yang meruntunkan. Lebih menyedihkan jika ia melibatkan pihak kedua.

Wujudkah silap yang tidak akan pernah dimaafi?

Jul 31, 2011


Tiap-tiap malam sebelum terlelap lena atas bantal, aku meminta satu pengharapan dari Tuhan. Doa yang aku pohon sesungguh dan serendah-rendah hati sebagai hamba yang hina dan lemah.

Hilangkan ia sekarang, kalau benar bukan tertulis untuk aku pada masa depan. Bantu aku untuk simpan apa yang patut, bina apa yang runtuh, tampal apa yang retak, untuk pemilik sebenar selepas Dia.

Spare me the remaining pain, Allah.

Jul 29, 2011


Do you know how it feels like when looking at something shakes your heart and shatters it into pieces, but you can't seem to take your eyes off it because there's happen to be even a slightest joy that you think it's worth it?

I may not be normal again, like you asked me to. Sorry.

Jul 28, 2011

Blunt edges.

Aku pasti setiap orang punya banyak sisi dalam diri. Sisi yang baik, dan sisi yang jahat. Kelakar dan serius. Riang dan kecewa. Pendiam dan banyak ketawa.

Aku paling benci satu sisi aku yang paling terkutuk, mungkin. Bahagian diri aku yang menyumpah seranah tanpa suara dalam hati bila marah, tapi bersahaja memaksa untuk senyum di hadapan manusia.

Hipokrit, tau?

Jun 19, 2011

Yang pertama.

Kadang-kadang aku bercakap pada angin malam, pada kipas di siling konkrit, pada pokok besar di hadapan rumah, pada bulan terang, pada baju yang tersidai di ampaian.

Tentang apa yang aku tak bicarakan pada manusia. Tentang kita. Tentang rasa. Dan tentang masa. Tentang sakit dan sayu yang aku bawa. Tentang bagaimana aku ini seorang pengecut, yang takut mahu berkongsi rahsia.

Mereka pendengar setia. Makhluk-makhluk yang tak bernyawa di atas sana. Mendengar aku merintih pada malam-malam emosi, melihat aku membuka aib yang terjaga. Yang penting, mereka tak menghukum.

Aku, tak sempurna. Aku, banyak cela.

Salahkah untuk aku berharap pada benda yang tak pasti? Masih. Aku statik di kedudukan dahulu. Tak berganjak walau setapak. Malahan sentiasa berundur mengutip serpihan-serpihan memori yang bertaburan. Setiap apa yang diperkata, setiap apa yang diperbuat, aku masih ingat. Walau sekecil-kecil perkara.

Kita, mungkinkah akan ada?

Jun 15, 2011

A picture that gets smeared in white
And my fragrance that seems to have faded away
All get concealed by
The glaring cloud

My heart that has no words
Slowly starts to move my feelings
Those times that slipped through
Are in my hands

I'm holding back the tears
I walk trying to lessen
The weight of my heart
To a place that is neither close nor far
Where a different me stands
I will not cry

I bring my two hands together again
To a place that will hear it
As I live through these
Unmemorable times

Though it seems stupid
We're always together
The pain that I want to let go
Dries the tears that flow
Through my body

I'm holding back the tears
I run adding to
The weight of my faith
To a place that is neither high nor low
Where a different me stands again
With a smile
I can laugh.

Holding  Back The Tears

Jun 14, 2011


Sebenarnya, ini tempat aku melampiaskan rasa hati
Rasa yang tak penting buat kamu, tidak relevan sama sekali
Namun dengan itu aku hidup

Dan sekarang, hati aku penuh kecewa
Melimpah, tertumpah, bersepah
Kecewa pada manusia, dan manusia, dan manusia

Sampai tak terkata

Hati aku macam kertas
Jangan harap untuk ia jadi kemas
Lepas sehabisnya kau ramas.

Smile doesn't indicate a person's happiness
it just shows how great he tries to look happy.

Jun 12, 2011


What have become of us?
So far yet so near
So close yet feels like strangers
So wonderful yet so miserable
So many words to say but remained unspoken

What have become of us?
Looking into the future but still living in the past
Feels like moving forward but the truth is we're paralyzed
You have so many reasons yet nothing
To be stuck here, over and over again

What have become of us?
Still, we don't know for certain.

Jun 7, 2011

Just because.

I have many ways to serene myself. A walk alone at the park, sipping the coconut water at the roadside, mumbling to no one in the middle of a crowd, making myself a big glass of black tea, and look up and stare into the thick clouds hanging endlessly onto the sky.

Like Heaven has fallen onto the Earth.

I write again not because of anyone but myself. I don't even care if no one understands me, regarding my weirdness. It feels great to do things you love without giving a damn of what other people would think.

Note to self, I love you.

Jun 5, 2011

Perkara-perkara yang buat aku bahagia 5.

Aku bukanlah seorang pelajar yang menonjol waktu di sekolah, malahan sekarang pun. Bukan murid kesayangan cikgu-cikgu, yang banyak bertanya dan memberikan impresi pada watak seorang guru.

Aku biasa-biasa saja. Yang senyap di hujung kelas. Yang senyum pada yang membalas. Tak punya banyak kata-kata. Pasif.

Tapi, aku tak sangka satu cikgu ni masih ingat pada aku. Dalam kalangan murid-muridnya yang beratus-ratus, masih ingat pada aku.

Aku: Miss Iza! happy birthday =) tak tau la miss ingat saya lagi ke tak. hehe
Miss Iza: Thnx dear..ape lak dok tgh trbyg2 muka asmaa trsyum2.. ;)

Miss Iza guru English aku waktu semester pertama Tingkatan 4. Dan dia juga guru penasihat Pandu Puteri, badan beruniform yang aku masuk. Aku masih ingat dulu dia pernah cakap kat depan satu kelas, "You all should learn from Asmaa, her grammar's very good.". Aku tersipu-sipu malu. Ngehehe.

Dia pernah ikut kami berkhemah kat Muar. Perkhemahan MRSM Se-Malaysia kot nama dia. Kelakar bila terkenangkan kami makan maggi goreng sama-sama kat bawah khemah. Pacak buluh dan segala macam benda untuk menang khemah paling cantik. Tapi tak menang pun. Kami menang tempat ketiga untuk kawad kaki. Tak sia-sia berlatih petang-petang kat depan foyer. Haih, kalaulah aku punya kamera waktu itu.

Lama aku tak tulis perkara yang menggembirakan kat sini. Ya, sekarang aku bahagia. Bahagia dengan apa yang aku punya. =)

May 25, 2011


Hi again.

Yeah, yeah. I know. Punch me in the face or kick my leg or whatsoever. 'Otak berbelit' is my middle name. I guess writing is my addiction, can't help it. At least this addiction is not as wrong as my other one.

Oh, dah satu purnama rupanya. Rasa macam dah berbulan-bulan tak meroyan di sini.


If you know me, you'll think I'm not much of a talker. If you know me well enough, you'll find me full of sarcasms and craps.

Sometimes, I think silence is enough. But with silence, come along assumptions. And assumptions bring heartache. At some moment when I think the pain is too unbearable, the promise come across my mind again. The pact I made to myself, to keep silent.

If I'm hurt alone, it's okay. But I'm not gonna hurt anyone anymore. If I'm guilty alone, it's okay. But I'm not gonna make someone else feel guilty anymore.

No pain, no gain. I just hope that my pain today brings something wonderful tomorrow. Something worth waiting for. Something worth fighting for.

And when that day comes, I think I'm gonna cry.

Apr 25, 2011

Nota terakhir.

I never say why I stop writing.

I used to feel that writing is the only way I could do to convey what I have inside of me. I still do, but many things happened for the past few months that taught me I shouldn't anymore. People say, once you pour your heart out it will never stop leaking. I learn that the hard way.

Now, I try my best to stop the leakage. Somehow I feel stupid after writing so much craps. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I write to make someone understand me even though I don't know if that person is reading or not. I want that particular person to understand the twisted mind of mine. But that doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore.

I have hopes. But I'm trying my best not to let my hopes to be held high until I can't seem to see the reality anymore. I let myself down sometimes. But still, I want to live for today. Tomorrow is just a shadow out of my reach. I want to smile my heart out, not faking it with the best mask I have.

This blog stays here, for some period of time of which I'm not sure how long. Because it contains my strength that I want to lend to myself in the future who may suffer from a loss I can't avoid.

To those who's asking where I've been, thanks for your concerns. I'm still here, just not visible any longer.

Apr 4, 2011


Mar 18, 2011


Ever feel like you think you've already moved forward, but somehow something's left somewhere behind and pulled your head to face that way?

Stuck in reverse.

And suddenly, you found yourself in the same place all over again. In just a blink of an eye. Nothing's ever changed no matter how much effort you put to make it go different way.

We have so much memories, of people and things. Some we like, and some we hate. What if we can choose what memories to keep? Oh, that would be a wonderful world then.

"People become stronger, when they have memories they can't forget."


I choose to be strong.

Mar 8, 2011

The Pearl.

There was a little girl
She often sat by the river
Watching the sun between her fingers
Wondering if she could get there by summer.

She cried
She wept
She mourn
Why did everything went so wrong?
Would it be better if I just be gone?

But she couldn't.

Fear not my dear,
For things'll be better
As soon as you dry up your tear.

Gather all your
Frustrations and disappointments,
Shames and blames,
Angers and fears,
Trap them under your thick skin
Then wait till they become a thing.

A pearl.

That little girl grows older
She sits by the same flowing river
Falls upon her knees
With a smile painted nicely.

She whispers to the wind,
No more a grumbler would I be
Cause I have found that pearl inside of me.

"Pearls are formed inside the shell of certain mollusks as a defense mechanism against a potentially threatening irritant such as a parasite inside its shell, or an attack from outside, injuring the mantle tissue. The mollusk creates a pearl sac to seal off the irritation."


Mar 7, 2011


In youth we learn,
in age we understand.

- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

Mar 5, 2011

Kapsul masa.

Untuk Izas yang di masa hadapan,

Hidup sangat baik sekarang. Aku sentiasa ada senyum untuk semua perkara walaupun ada banyak benda perlu dilangsaikan. Tak mudah mahu berdiri di sini. Di tempat ini. Dalam jasad ini. Pada saat ini.

Kau mungkin sedang jatuh. Dalam lubang yang dulu separuh nyawa aku cuba tinggalkan. Aku tahu peritnya. Aku  tahu pedihnya. Aku tahu kau lemah waktu ini. Aku cuma mahu berkongsi kata-kata supaya kau jadi kuat. Kuat untuk kembali memanjat.

Aku cuma mahu pesan satu perkara. Jangan pernah jauh dariNya kalau mahu bahagia.

Ingat ini sampai mati.

Feb 25, 2011

Satu hari, aku mahu genggam kelopak-kelopak sakura dengan lembut dan rakam setiap detik dalam tempoh waktu mereka gugur ke bumi Tuhan.

Feb 13, 2011


Karma datang menjenguk. You got what you deserve, babe. What goes around comes around. Think twice before you treat people like shit.


Oh, minggu depan minggu sibuk. Minggu depan lagi satu, minggu desperado. Tiga minggu lepas itu, minggu-minggu tawakal. Kemudian, baru boleh sedut oksigen dengan tenang.


Bila sakit mesti teringat rumah dan Ma. Boleh baring atas katil sepanjang hari. Makan bubur ikan petak yang Ma masak. Bebas daripada tanggungjawab.



Feb 4, 2011

I always have this habit of hating to admit that I'm wrong. I am an egoist. Not all the time, but many times. I held my ego high until it brings me down to the deepest hole.

I like to wear a strong face, so that people cannot see the fragile meat underneath. I shed my tears when there's no one around. I just hate the fact that people see me in my weakest state.

People think I don't care much. I'm not that sweet as people think I would be. I rarely show someone that I care. But when their moods affect mine, that shows that I do, right?

Someone said, sometimes I can be indifferent  to everything around me and do things in my own way without considering what others say.

I'm also stubborn, in some way.

I hardly share my problems. But when I do, I always tell them while smiling big and wide. I just feel the emergence of awkwardness being vulnerable to someone is worse than handling the matter in my own hand.

I call my parents about once in a fortnight, averagely. This makes me a bad daughter. No comment on that.

This is just a list of my flaws. Am trying to do better, but not trying to be perfect.

These are what makes me, becomes me. What about you?

mahu home library macam ini, one day =)

tengah berusaha habiskan baca novel ini

Ok, sebenarnya nauseous tengok buku Forensic lama-lama. 

Though I love watching Criminal Minds, CSI and a whole lot of other police-based TV series, reading the textbook makes me yawning every 5 minutes.

The question of the day,

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?


Jan 26, 2011

melompat-lompat di Lal Bagh

Saya stress. Sekian.

I've deleted some posts that I wrote during my emotional days. I myself, am annoyed reading all those small-minded paranoid skeptic things I once wrote.

But hey, ain't life is all about learning?

I am trying, to be a better person. And I've paid some dues for the mistakes I have made before.

Let's just face what life offers us in the coming future. Don't look back and regret what you once wanted the most.

Life is also about accepting.

Don't try to have what you love, but try to love what you have.

Lame, but so true.

Jan 25, 2011

"Give up, or fight like hell."

Damn right.
When running away seems totally impossible, face it no matter how hard for you to look straight.

Just, smile.

Jan 23, 2011


"Dan bahawa manusia hanya memperolehi apa yang telah diusahakannya. Dan sesungguhnya, usahanya itu kelak akan diperlihatkan kepadanya."

Jan 20, 2011

Nota kecil buat diri.

Bila jauh dari Allah, semua benda jadi serabut.

Semua perkara buat aku jadi sedih. Hati tak tenang. Hidup jadi huru-hara. Malas sepanjang masa. Rasa nak marah pada semua benda. Solat penghujung waktu. Mengaji makin sikit. Al-mathurat pun kadang-kadang baca.

Bila dekat balik dengan Dia, semua benda jadi mudah.

Tak emosional tak tentu pasal. Sabar makin menggunung. Senyum sepanjang hari. Hidup makin bersemangat. Hati rasa senang, orang tengok pun rasa tenteram. Mengaji makin kerap. Doa banyak-banyak.

Ini pengalaman sendiri. Tak payah tengok orang lain. Cuba tenung kat dalam cermin. Kalau-kalau esok dah tak ada oksigen dalam tangki udara, nak buat apa ya?

Tuhan, ada kat mana-mana. Tinggal nak cari atau tak saja.

Jan 17, 2011

Depressed mode activated.

2 weeks. 14 days. 336 hours. 20,160 minutes. 1,209,600 seconds.

Start counting backwards.

Jan 14, 2011

You're an addiction
No matter how hard I tried to keep away,
I'll come back anyhow.

Yeah, idiocy is idiopathic

Jan 12, 2011

Sticky note on your forehead.

To my future self, please be a bookworm for 5 days in a week so that your brain wouldn't be as cramp as it is right now.



I wish that Malay people will scatter all around India, so that I could eat nasi goreng kampung everyday.

I wish my past self is cleverer than she was when she decided what to do with her future.

I wish I could travel all around the world my entire life.

I wish I'm rich enough to own a private spaceship and fly to the moon whenever I feel uneasy.

I wish I was born in Japan, so that I could touch the sakura flowers with my own bare hands and keep them in a bottle on the topmost shelf.

I wish we could erase mistakes, as easy as rubbing off the words misspelled.

I wish I could go to a new place and start all over again, with a new identity so that people don't judge me and expect too much from me beyond what I may give.

I wish I have a warmer heart, so that I could be a bit more caring.

I wish I have a house near the beach, so that I could watch the sun rises from the horizon of the sea up until it reaches the clouds.

I wish I could be a kid forever.

I wish I had an older sister.

I wish Doraemon is not just a cartoon character. Let him be real, so that I could get everything that I want.

I wish the Earth is rectangular, so that I could go to the end of the world and stay there.

I wish I'd never have a blog. I don't know why, I just do.

I wish that I'd stop wishing.

Jan 9, 2011

Food for the soul.

Racun-racun yang merosakkan hati:-

1. Cakap yang berlebih-lebihan
2. Memandang yang berlebih-lebihan
3. Makan dan minum yang berlebih-lebihan
4. Bergaul secara berlebih-lebihan

Menulis juga bercakap, kan?


Nok cakak tranung, buleh dok? Kekgi takdok orang pahang nok wak gane? Pahang ke?


Haha. Benornye serabuk pale otok baca buku.

I miss the smell of beach and the sound of waves crashing down on the sands beneath my barefeet.

Balik cuti nanti wajib pergi pantai tiap-tiap hari!

Senang sebab adik aku dah ada lesen kereta. Eh jap, kau bila nak ambik? Bawak pun tak reti-reti.

Tak cool langsung.

Jan 7, 2011

Collages of the past.

The traces we left behind
Keep on coming and haunting my mind.

Jan 4, 2011


Pagi tadi aku rancang mahu ponteng posting. Mahu tebus dosa tidak belajar selama 3 bulan dengan membaca buku bersungguh-sungguh dalam masa 1 bulan. Bunyinya sangat mustahil.

Golek-golek atas tilam sambil dengar teman serumah gosok baju, aku bangun capai tuala.

Satu jam kemudian, aku ada di bilik bedah. Gynaecomastia. Bosan.

Aku iri hati dengan kawan-kawan yang ada minat dalam apa-apa bidang. Ada yang tersangat minat Surgery, ada jugak tersangat minat OBG.

Aku tersangat minat Math. Ok, tiada dalam senarai subjek yang tertulis dalam slip keputusan peperiksaan akan datang.

This is a mistake.

Balik dari hospital, aku tuju ke arah surau. Letak beg dan campak labcoat, aku baring sambil tenung siling konkrit.

Tanpa sedar, aku cakap dengan perlahan, "Nak balik rumah la....". Memikirkan keserabutan yang bakal melanda buat aku homesick.

Yang mana lebih baik, pergi ke kelas tapi tidur waktu lecturer bagi ilmu, atau ponteng kelas dan habiskan menilik satu spesies bakteria?

Ada yang cakap yang pertama lebih afdal. Tapi aku jenis yang kedua. Dan orang yang mengamalkan yang pertama itu dapat markah lebih tinggi daripada aku. Selalu.

Tuhan itu adil. Aku tahu. Tapi aku mesti tak lepas daripada merungut dan memberontak dalam hati seorang diri.

Exam lagi 27 hari. Aku makin jadi gila.

Tuhan, tolong padatkan otak aku dengan segala macam ilmu yang aku dengar sepanjang satu tahun setengah ini, dan bantu aku untuk keluarkan apa yang patut selama dua minggu pertama bulan hadapan dan dua minggu pertama bulan hadapan yang lagi satu.

Ok, aku cuak.

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