Sep 27, 2011


I write more often than I talk to people. Yeah, I'm not good with people, human beings. Wrong choice of career though.

It's hard to be a woman. Our minds are frequently clouded by emotions. At certain times, or all the time. I tend to think too much. Over thinking makes me so upset about many things, about many people. It feels like everything happened has something to do with me. Too much burden to carry, too much emotion to handle. If only I could shut down my mind like a computer. Off.

We all wanted to be a part of something's important to someone. That their lives would be less meaningful without you, that their smiles would be less curved if you're not around, that everything they do they thought of you. What if we did become something to someone, but only later to find out we've lost the privilege?

It hurts to the bone.

Sep 26, 2011


It's like holding a glass bowl full of water. So fragile I'm afraid to move. What if I make one single mistake like taking a step too big, or kick a stone and fell, or bum into someone's shoulder, or any other possible way the water could splash and the bowl would break?

Because of that, I could not take even a step forward. Standing still at that very same spot while the whole world is moving around. In what way, could I let it go so that we're both not affected?

I used to be a moron who believes that in order to have something, I have to hold it tight. Never let my grasp loose. But in the end, everything breaks into pieces. One small fact about broken things you should know though, that they would never be the same as how they used to be. Cracks would be there, even the tiniest one.

So now tell me, could we start all over again and pretend nothing's ever happened?

Sep 21, 2011

Biggest lies.

Don't be nice to me. I hurt people unexpectedly.
Don't put hopes in me. I let people down miserably.
Don't like me. I'll make you feel guilty about that.
Don't love me. I can't love you the way you want me to.
Don't try to understand me. I am one freaking complicated creature God ever created.

We'll all die alone, why can't we live the same way?

Sep 20, 2011


I don't know where to write so that I couldn't be judged. Not facebook, not twitter. I need to write. Not that I want to. I just need to write everything down so that it doesn't keep lingering on my mind the freaking whole day. So that I could breathe.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe if someone view myself from the outside,  she would say I'm in a lucky place and position. To be surrounded by people like this is just a blessing. But sometimes, I think it's not. Sometimes I think it's too suffocating I couldn't breathe. Sometimes I think it's too restricting I want to escape. As much as I like the concept of 'kebersamaan', I couldn't help but regretting to be stuck inside of this tie.

I think my individualistic instinct is too strong. Cause I'm too used to be doing things on my own, in my own way. I'm too used to not be cared of. I'm too used to do things alone. I don't like people to intrude my space. I don't like people to intrude my mind. I don't like people to keep asking about my feelings. I'm not a little kid. I know when to talk if I have to, if I want to. Maybe because of the way I was being raised up, I don't talk about personal things to people so easily, not even my own family. I don't trust easily. I don't feel comfortable with people easily, even though she's someone I've known for the past 4 years.

I know I am someone who is so hard to be understood. Even my closest friend said that to me. I am a person with so much to be said on the inside, but express so little on the outside. At least that much you have to know about me.

Maybe I'll delete this post in the future. But all that I know is that, I need to write.

Sep 16, 2011


Aku seorang penagih tegar. Dan bahan tagihan aku adalah manusia. Susah mahu buang rasa ketagih, tahu?

Macam budak-budak kecil yang teringinkan lolipop bulat warna-warni. Dan kebetulan, kamu juga manis. 

Sep 8, 2011


The best I could do is to be ignorant.
Yes, be heartless.