Dec 27, 2011


Every encounter is fate.

You should know better.

Then, who am I to disagree with His plan?


Everything comes back in a flash.

All at once.

Dec 26, 2011


25/12/08 - In Kerala, on a houseboat. The happy very first trip on my first year.

25/12/09 - In Mannali. Forgot where we stayed. The coldest place I ever went. And some bitter memories.

25/12/10 - At Steakhouse. Got a bouquet of pink roses, and a horrible fish meal. Had the pleasure to make a wishlist.

25/12/11 - At home. Still cold as it always be at end of the year. But certain things changed. Went out yesterday, shopped a lot.

I think the older we grow, the lonelier we get.

More mistakes.

More regrets.

More selfish.

More individualistic.

More keep-it-to-yourself attitude.

Less people remember.

Or, is it just me?

Dec 25, 2011

End is coming.

I've spent my entire childhood in this city. Been wandering here and there after 16 years old, but still, so many memories I had here.

At this beach.

It's truly sad, to watch things you love disappeared and destroyed.


Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
Soon you're gonna see your brighter day

The Voice Within
Christina Aguilera

Happy birthday, myself.

Dec 19, 2011


We used to hang out in that beach. Jogged early in the morning and watched the sun rose up from the horizon to meet the clouds. Beautiful, blissful. Enjoyed crispy keropok and fried noodles in those lovely evenings of my early teenage years before chasing my youngest sister along the seashore. I swear, her footprints were as little as the turtle's, too wonderful to be forgotten. We searched for shells and then painted them, made collages out of it.

That same beach is gone, nearly gone. Little by little.

We're reaching the end of the world, isn't it?

Dec 14, 2011


Have we, a story?

Or did I just made it up in my mind?

Can't be sure, don't know how to be sure.


I miss the smell of ocean.

Dec 12, 2011

I'm fine, we're all gonna be fine.

I believe, it's the best thing I can do for the time being.
For everyone's sake.

Allah, I wish to be strong.
Make me more considerate in every decision I made.
And patient.

Dec 9, 2011


Allah loves me very much. In my ups and downs. When I stray away, He pulls me back. When I get lost in this temporary world, He reminds me where I'll permanently return. Again and again. Every single time.

His love is more than anything in this world. Anything.

Alhamdulillah. Nothing more I can say.

Dec 7, 2011

Life plan.

1. Get MBBS done by 2013.

2. Survive the 2-year housemanship in one piece.

3. Pay back all the tax-payers money by working in government hospital for 3 years.

4. Apply for post-graduate course in Emergency Medicine.

5. Join Mercy Malaysia.

For once, I think I have some plan to do with my life. Not just hoping, but work for it. Not just complaining, but push my limit to get it done.

InsyaAllah, at His will.

Dec 4, 2011


I started blogging in my early first year in med school. November 2008, if I'm not mistaken. I made my first blog at Friendster (I don't know if this site still exists or have become extinct), then Blogspot. I used to have one also at Wordpress, just as an experiment because I love trying new things. I also used to have two separate accounts. Don't ask why, I'm just something complicated beyond norm.

Back then, I wrote everything that came across my mind. I wrote everyday. I wrote my opinions about certain things. I wrote about my journey to college on feet. I wrote about facts. I wrote about interesting things. I wrote about what I did when I get bored. But most of the times, I just wrote craps and finishing tags. It feels great to write. It feels like I put my heart and brain into written words that people can understand. To be understood, is a rare thing. Though not many people read them, I'm satisfied.

But I deleted my previous blogs. I even created a new account. I can't explain why, but I would say my life had been completely changed for the past two years. People change, everyday. Sometimes it happens so quick before we even notice. And sometimes, I miss the old me. I can barely remember now what kind of person I used to be.

I used to write in Malay very often. It sounded nice. But now, I seldom do so. Writing in Malay reminds me of a person, a friend maybe. She was my inspiration. I was totally in love with her writings because they reminded me of myself so much. Like she and me were very much alike. But now I don't know what happened to us. I made a mistake of which I won't mention here. And I think she hated me for that. That's why writing in Malay reminds me of her, and that makes my heart aches.

I miss a lot of things. If I have the power, I would go to the past and bring them to the present. But to live my life forward, certain things are ought to be left behind. Whatever happened, it is the best. Whether I like it or not. Whatever that didn't kill me makes me a whole lot stronger. Because pain galvanizes us.

And here I am, still breathing.

Dec 3, 2011

Aren't we all?

An alter ego is a second self, which is believe to be distinct from a person's normal or original personality. The term was coined in the early nineteenth century when dissociative identity disorder was first described by psychologists. A person with an alter ego is said to lead a double life.

source: Wikipedia