Dec 25, 2012

23.

Well, God knows my feet are aching
And I've got mountains ahead to climb
One way at a time I'll try to lend 
These broken hands of mine
Give me strength, be my light
One way at a time these walls will fall 
And fill our empty souls
Give me strength, help me guide
These broken hands of mine

These Broken Hands of Mine
Joe Brooks


Happy birthday, dear self.

Dec 23, 2012


I can't really put my fingers on what this is and how and when. It's good the way it is now. It's just me who wants to satisfy my greediness of having a certainty over things. I hate uncertainties as much as I hate cockroaches. And this world is full of them. Asked Allah for any sign on how should I go on. A little bit of confusion there cause I don't really know to differentiate His sign and my desire, unless there's a voice from above saying I should do this and not that.

But then, this morning, I got a sudden unexpected realization after having decided firmly the night before, that this is just as good as it supposed to be. Why do I want to poke around this fragile precious thing we have unnecessarily? I worked hard for us to be normal again, well, close to normal again. Last two years was hell, I tell you. I was a mess.

So, I guess this is what Allah wants me to do. This is His way of telling me 'No, not just yet. I have a very beautiful plan for you. Just wait a little longer.'

Just, wait.

Dec 22, 2012


Your name never fails to make my heart jumps, even just a teeny weeny little jump. Medically, we call that palpitations.






About to make the biggest decision in my life.

Or not.

Dec 15, 2012

Four musketeers.

I have a few close friends. Very few, but enough.

Today I was feeling a bit moody, with a lot of things going on inside my head. Didn't feel like talking much. When asked, I answered, I smiled. Couldn't wait to go home, drowning in solitude.

Then, I got a text message. I went to the window and heard someone shouted my name. Haha, there they were, waving in the dark. Three girls in sweaters standing on the rooftop of the apartment building opposite to mine, exactly on the same level as my room. I went out to the balcony and waved back.

These people, I said quietly, they sure know how to cheer me up.

Another text message came in. She said they were watching shooting stars while lying down on the concrete floor, shivering in cold winter night.

And we stood there, looking up into the dark night, facing each other in a distance. I prayed silently.

Allah, thank You for these people in my life.

Romantic, isn't it?

Dec 10, 2012


Cause we are broken, what must we do to restore our innocence?

I'm not always an unhappy person. I do laugh, hard and loud, most of the time. I do smile, big and wide, most of the time. I just think that writing down my emotions is a better alternative on how to manage my anger and sorrow.

When words are more honest written, then you'll find me here. Because not all people understand what it feels like to bottle up your feelings inside, not able to talk or explain or make someone listen. This is just the way I am.

My whole life is based on things I couldn't say. So, I write.


Terima kasih kerana membaca sampah-sampah saya.

Dec 6, 2012

I too, have a side you wish you'd never seen.

I don't know why God has been a little bit too hard on me lately. Maybe to toughen me up. Or as a payback for my forgotten sins. Or as a reminder that I need to start looking for a way to return. I don't really know.

The more I wanted to forget, the more those things keep showing up right in front of my face. Your name, your face, your doings, your being. It suffocated me to the core. What did I do to be repeatedly reminded of my regrets?

No, this has nothing to do with Doraemon. It's a girl.

A girl, I realized, can break your heart ten times more than a boy ever could.

Your pride, I'm amazed.

*applause*

I'm done pleasing people.

Dec 2, 2012

Aftermath.

"Tears that we cry over failed exams, lost loves or bitter disputes are reflex tear, generated by the main lacrimal glands in the upper, outer corner of your upper eyelid. When we cry, excess tears overflow down the cheek while the rest flows through tiny tear drains into the nose and then into the throat. This explains the runny nose and the strange voice we get when crying. The face becomes flushed and puffy from blood flow and from the facial muscular effort that crying generates."


I wake up. I walk to the mirror which is almost the same height with me. I look into it.

Yeah, hello there.

Long time no see.

Malam ini sejuk. Angin kuat melanggar batang tubuh aku di luar balkoni. Berlapiskan sweater nipis, aku mendengar malam berbual.

Malam, aku sedih.

Aku pandang atas. Ada bulan hampir penuh. Terang. Walaupun rabun, aku nampak perimeter bulan yang indah. Silau. Aku beralih pada bintang. Ada satu, dua, tiga. Empat.

Bintang, sering disalaherti. Dilukis berbucu lima, dicalit warna kuning, dipuja dan dipuji. Mahu dikait buat pemilikan atau pemberian. Bintang, kamu tahu itu hanya seketul batu besar terapung dibuat daripada gas dan logam, yang tak punya apa-apa? Tak berguna, buruk lagi. Sudah mati beribu tahun, baru kamu mahu perhati. Pilu.

Malam, aku sedih.


Kenapa menjadi manusia, menyedihkan?

Geoji chorom.

Honestly, I won't apologize anymore. I've sincerely let my ego down repeatedly only to be pushed away by silence. Even if you won't pardon me your whole life, so be it. I believe my part is done. I'm done.


You know how I feel?

Like a beggar.

Nov 24, 2012


I looked at the bookshelf.

*pause*

I turned away.

I looked back. I got up and put my eyes on that purple envelope. Slowly reaching it. Blew the dust in the corner. I read the card inside. Unknowingly, I smiled. The one and only birthday card from the opposite gender. I smiled again.

How long ago was that? Yeah, three years.

Suddenly missing someone so much tonight.

Nov 19, 2012

What more can I say without breaking the rule I made.

I don't know about you. But in my entire twenty-something life, I can say with my own lips that you are the one thing that I'm sure about.

Yes, you.

Sep 29, 2012


Seronok. Membaca perca-perca perjalanan hidup yang ada di ceruk-ceruk terdalam. Korek, gali, kuis, baru jumpa. Gigih betul namanya.

Kamu, kamu, dan kamu. Terima kasih. Sangat-sangat. Kerana menjadikan saya ini adalah saya sekarang.

Kalau boleh dilakarkan graf tahun melawan pengalaman, saya rasa tiga tahun yang lepas adalah puncaknya. Setakat umur saya yang sekarang inilah. Saya jadi makin tebal kulit muka, makin kental jiwa, makin kuat dinding dalam dada, makin kukuh iman dalam hati, makin banyak luka dan tawa, makin tinggi melantun setelah terjatuh lagaknya seperti bola getah yang dibaling dari atas menuju tanah.

Masih bernyawa. Masih berdosa. Selagi ada masa walau satu saat, saya akan cuba untuk hidup, bukan sekadar bernafas.

Dan senyum. Kamu juga harapnya, ya?

Sep 24, 2012

#3.

Abu Sa'id al-Khudri r.a. reported that the Prophet May Allah's peace and praise be on him said: 
"Whenever a Muslim is afflicted with a hardship, sickness, sadness, worry, harm, or depression --even a thorn's prick, Allah expiates his sins because of it."
-Muslim & Bukhari 

My scars are mostly regrets.

Have you ever said something beyond limits?

Words that are hurtful and unpleasant, somehow come out when your mind does not run in the parallel line as your sanity. Words that can suddenly change someone's existence from a friend to a stranger. Words that you cannot take back once they appear, regardless of how hard you try to make things right. Words that, after your sanity returns, they disgust you to the bone. Words that you wish were never spoken or written in any dictionary in the world.

'Words can harm or heal. Choose yours carefully.'

So I scribbled in the front page of a book given to a friend as a birthday present. A message I intended to give to myself.

Since when have you become this loathsome, huh?

Sep 23, 2012


This happened five years ago. In a small hall with rows and rows of uncomfortable chairs. Parents and students. Baggages and boxes. My registration day as a foundation student. My 18 year-old self was so sleepy and fatigue from travelling to KL since before dawn. Abah could not get inside as the hall was so packed, so he waited for me outside.

The nearly bald president gave a long uninteresting speech. But then, as I started to pay attention I heard him saying that if any one of us wanted to back off from this path now, it's not too late. I replied silently, 'What did you mean it's not too late? We already signed the scholarship contract, travelled miles away from home, burdened our shoulders with hopes and trust. What did you mean by that?'

I now know the answer. But i wish i had known it back then, so that this madness would not begin in the first place.

If you could start your life all over again, what would you do?

But then, 'if' is a dangerous word. It can take you high up to reach the clouds, or it can crash you down shattered on the ground.

...

A week left before the 4th year final exam. I can barely breathe.

Sep 18, 2012

Kalau kau tak faham jugak, memang kau minta pelempang selaju kereta api peluru.

Allah, kalau kau cari Dia masa susah ke masa senang ke, ada Dia komplen?
Manusia, kalau kau cari masa dia susah, sebelah tangan je kau dia tolak.

Allah, minta la banyak mana pun kat Dia tak pernah kata 'Kau apehal?'
Manusia, cuba la minta banyak-banyak benda, sekali penumbuk hinggap kat muka.

Allah, kau mengadu la setiap hari setiap jam, tak pernah Dia suruh kau lari jauh-jauh.
Manusia, kau suruh dengar dua tiga kali, kali keempat dah mengeluh lenguh.

Kau tak tahu ke Allah tu sibuk mengurus dunia?
Tapi Dia masih ada masa untuk kau yang bukan siapa-siapa.
Yeah, He's cool like that.

Tak payah sibuk-sibuk nak mengendeng menagih telinga manusia untuk kau tadah segala benda yang kau tak puas hati dalam dunia ni.
Nak mengadu dengan Tuhan senang je wa cakap lu.
Atas jalan, tengah bawak motor, tengah makan, sebelum tidur, dalam jamban, masa kau sorang-sorang, bila kau dikerumuni orang.

Allah punya masa untuk kau bila-bila kau suka.
Manusia belum tentu ada.

Tolonglah, kau tolonglah ingat ini sampai mati.

Sep 16, 2012

If we only got a hundred years to live.

"Yes, I'm serious. Can't imagine living my whole life bitching about something I don't even love."

So I said at that time, thinking how much I despised being a medic student and how to spend my entire life as a doctor. I want to do something different. Something I've loved all this time.

Mathematics.

Many people say that you have to love what you have, not to have what you love. Even I said that somewhere, sometime before. Well, screw that. If you don't have the courage to pursue what you wanted, even when everybody says you're crazy or hopeless, you don't deserve to live.

But as strong as my opinion gets, deep down inside I know I'm scared. If there's one thing that I hate about myself, it's the heart that keeps wavering. I'm afraid I will change my mind, maybe somewhere in the future. Let's worry about that later, will ya?

One thing for sure is that I resist to live my life by anyone's definition but mine.

Sep 12, 2012


I think I love trains, or buses
Anything that moves and has windows
And a seat
Engine roars
Clouds
Birds
Wind
Knee to the chest
Smile

Alone.

Sep 9, 2012

Hangover.

You know when someone was drunk and having an enormous hangover the next morning? When he could hardly remember what he did or what he said during those hazy moments clouded by alcohol?

That's how I feel right now.

And my alcohol is anger.

People can be very honest when they are drunk, saying everything they wanted to say all this time without trying to sugarcoat it. That's what anger does to me. It makes me honest and thorough, but a little off the line and beyond the limit.

But, as every drunk person who wakes up with a headache and guilt over what he had done, so am I. Things I broke would not be the same.

I too, will not be the same.

Sep 8, 2012

Screw you, Samsung.

Argh, stress.

Kau jenis penyimpan. Kau simpan segala gambar, snapshots, video rakaman sendiri, catatan-catatan suara dalam kepala, memo-memo penting dan kurang penting, lagu-lagu kesayangan dan buku-buku digital. Kau simpan dalam telefon bimbit. Kau simpan dalam benda yang sangat fragile. Kau simpan semua benda tu dalam bentuk yang kau tak boleh pegang atau sentuh.

Sekali telefon bimbit kau rosak. Semua memori terpadam.

Kau nak salahkan siapa?

Dah. Dah cukup banyak aku mencarut hari ni.

Sep 7, 2012

Ada sebab.

Ada sebab kenapa aku terdampar di tanah India.
Ada sebab kenapa aku tak gagal tahun pertama walaupun aku hampir menangis ketika mengisi kertas jawapan yang lompong.
Ada sebab kenapa aku dan dia di kelas yang sama.
Ada sebab kenapa kami didekatkan, sedekat-dekatnya kemudian dijauhkan sampai tak nampak muka.
Ada sebab kenapa Allah mahu aku jatuh berkali-kali selepas penat lelah bangun sendiri.
Ada sebab kenapa aku masih di sini walaupun berniat mahu lari tak pandang tepi.
Ada sebab kenapa aku makan nasi malam tadi.
Ada sebab aku tak mati dilanggar lori lagi.
Ada sebab kenapa aku dapat ini dan hilang itu.
Ada sebab, yang Tuhan Maha Tahu.

Sep 1, 2012


I often imagine how it would be like, to steal the face of someone else's and see how natural will you react with my presence.

Are we, broken beyond repair?

By the way, happy birthday.

Aug 28, 2012

The reason I hold on, even my will is falling apart.

I can't remember the last time Abah gave me pocket money. Maybe some time during my foundation days or the last day of high school. Duit raya is excluded.

I always feel a sense of pride and relief to spend using my own money, instead of my parents'. But technically, it's not actually my own money. It's government's, or to be precise, Malaysian's. Sorry for spending your money relentlessly, tax-payers. I'll pay back in due time.

So, yesterday when Abah drove us to the airport to send me off to KL he offered me a note. Because when he asked did I have any money to buy food, I told him I only have about RM10. I spent too much on books and things to bring back to Bangalore. I told him I would withdraw  some once I got to LCCT. He insisted that I took that green note.

I don't know how to describe it, but deep down I felt ashamed. I have five sisters still studying with one to be registered as a degree student without a scholarship next week. His money should go to them, not me who has a monthly allowance equals to the salary of a government's worker. My pride hurts a little, but that's Abah.

I always pray for them to have the chance to see me as a doctor, not a student anymore. Someone who can provide instead of just being on the receiving end. Just one more year, Abah. And then you'll see the fruit of your faith in me.

Aug 15, 2012

Everybody needs a break. I need lots of them.

Esok balik kampung.
Tiada perasaan mahu beraya, cuma mahu jumpa keluarga.

Tahun 2009 balik Malaysia.
Tahun 2010 beraya di basement bersama 200 manusia perantau dengan juadah penuh meja sepanjang 3 meter.
Tahun 2011 beraya di atas kapal terbang menuju ke Ladakh dengan pinggang yang sakit.

Tiga tahun tak jumpa Along.
Apa agaknya rasa merdeka daripada jajahan assignments dan exams dalam kepala otak?

Encik Pilot, tolong jangan hempaskan kapal terbang.

Aug 4, 2012

Letters.

Writing is something precious for me. A way to immortalize moments and feelings, so that I can keep them as my most valuable possessions. If I have the chance to have my own family, I will very much love to give them notes from time to time. Love notes. Simple, yet priceless. Keep them in lunch boxes, school bags or even their favourite bedtime storybooks. 

Because when I'm gone, they will have the notes to remember how much I love them. Even if I just show a little.

And yeah, I'm old-fashioned like that.

Jul 29, 2012

Reciprocity my foot.

Why don't people pay attention? Why is it so hard for them to notice little details like the change in my voice tone or facial expressions? Why don't they listen as much as they speak?

I am an observant person. I notice things that most people don't even give a second look at. I analyze them and act accordingly. I don't ask many questions because I get my answers by observing. It's hurtful, because I try to be as sensitive as I possibly could to other people's feelings but at the same time, they actually don't give a damn about mine.

I tried to be nice, but the truth is you would be astonished by the tremendous anger I keep inside me. This enormous gigantic burden I bury deep down so that people won't get hurt.

Doesn't this thing go reciprocally? Then, why am I the only one who wants to scream right now?

Naif.

Kalau kamu mahu cari aku, kamu akan jumpa aku di mana-mana. Walau setiap kali kita ketemu, aku akan lari malu menghilang.

Carik-carik jiwa aku ada di merata-rata untuk kamu baca dan faham. Kebanyakannya di sinilah. Aku mungkin tertutup dengan kata yang boleh didengar, tapi boleh bercerita apa sahaja dengan kata yang boleh ditatap.

Aku menunggu untuk dijumpai kamu. Supaya cebisan-cebisan aku ini, sampah-sampah aku ini, akan kamu peluk dan usap. Untuk kamu katakan, 'Terima kasih untuk hadiah ini. Ya, kamu adalah hadiah termahal yang aku pernah terima. Sebusuk-busuk kamu akan aku pangku, sekotor-kotor kamu akan aku kutip, setiap luka dan calar akan aku ubati.'

Kalau kamu mahu cari aku, kamu akan jumpa aku di mana-mana. Kalau kamu mahu cari, lah.

Jul 14, 2012


I think everyone is leaving me.

Jul 9, 2012

Sometimes, I wonder if you ever did try to find me.

Kadang-kadang, rasa rindu itu membuak-buak tanpa dapat disekat. Perasaan adalah anugerah Tuhan. Bukan kuasa aku untuk hapuskan, jadi aku diamkan untuk mengelakkan kesilapan lampau kembali menyesakkan dada dengan penyesalan. Aku seorang yang susah mahu mengawal emosi. Jadi ketahuilah, bahawa segala kudrat telah aku kerah untuk bina dinding ini dalam hati supaya semua rasa yang ada tersimpan kemas, tak tertumpah bersepah sebelum masanya, kalau ada 'kita'.


Dan ya, kamu masih di sini. Dalam setiap doa dan mimpi.

Jun 30, 2012

Ibu lidah.

Rindu,
mahu membaca novel Melayu.

Jun 26, 2012

Dan sebenarnya begitu.

Dan ya, aku telah meminggirkan nota-nota putih ini untuk menagih kefahaman manusia di tempat lain. Dan ya, hati aku masih tidak puas kerana terpaksa menimbang-nimbangkan dalam kepala apa yang boleh ditulis dan apa yang tidak. Dan ya, ini tempat terbaik untuk memuntahkan segala isi hati yang kamu tidak mahu ambil tahu.

Dan ya, aku sedang bersedih.

The return.

Suddenly I was 20 again. Crying silently in the middle of the night while everyone I know was sound asleep. In the darkness of my room, I hid my face from myself knowing I would look like a wife with a dead husband the next morning.

This feeling, will it ever go away? I seriously thought I have get rid of it, convincing myself that becoming a heartless person was easier and happier than this.

It came like a storm, each and every time. I could smile happily for one moment and then cry for the next. I hated the person I saw in the mirror. I hated her for becoming too fragile. I hated her for becoming too attached. I hated her for chasing over a shadow. I hated her for hating God's plan. I hated her for crying night over night for something she didn't have. I hated her for having a hole inside her heart that somehow can only be filled by one person. I hated her, for falling in love.

And now she's back.

Clueless.

When writing doesn't make sense anymore,
what do I do when I feel like exploding,
like now?

Jun 24, 2012


I now know, what it really is to love someone's imperfections. And seeing you doing something you really love makes me happy. I swear I was close to tears. Thank you for the wonderful moment.

Jun 3, 2012


Sometimes, I wanted to be heard so much that I screamed my lungs out through every single pore I could find. But then I realized, my lips were never opened. I need someone to see my invisible pain. Unfortunately, everyone is busy mending his own wounds.

I miss my barbiturate.

May 23, 2012


The stupidest thing I've done is to enter a med school. Beats all other craps that I ever did.

Cause nobody wins.

May 21, 2012


Can I start my life all over again?

I promise to be good, I promise to be content.
I promise to search for a dream, to break my bones and peel my skin for it.
I promise to smile all the way until I hold that star in my hand, and heal my wounds for all its worth.
I promise to let the scars I get from falling while climbing to the sky remind me that hopes are as real as the sweats dripping from my cheeks.

Can I start my life all over again?

Apr 28, 2012

Sweet little perfections.

I've always loved
a desolated street,
a clean pavement,
the sun ray between leaves,
the whistling sound of wind,
the sprinkles of rain,
the moist smell of morning air,
the sounds of water being poured,
the warmth of blanket,
the sudden long-distance calls and
an everlasting cuddle with books,
to accommodate my empty soul. 

Apr 21, 2012

Does the pain weighs out the pride?

Dulu aku ada sebuah blog puisi (la sangat). Dah padam, hilang. Blog itu aku tulis dalam tahun 2010, tahun di mana emosi aku berada di paras negatif. Orang kata nak tulis puisi ni emosi dan perasaan kena ada, baru terkesan dan menjadi. Dulu pun, entri-entri aku dalam blog yang lama boleh dikatakan semuanya emosional. Ada sebahagian yang aku simpan dalam blog ini, ada yang dah lenyap jadi sampah halimunan dalam alam maya.

Perasaan. Aku rasa dalam usaha untuk menjadi seseorang yang lebih gembira dan kurang sedih, aku letak perasaan ke paling belakang dalam barisan. In the sense of, pergi jahanam semua rasa yang pernah mencengkam kulit dan mencekik tenggorok aku sehingga setiap nafas yang aku tarik terasa berat dan kosong tanpa udara. Persetankan semua harapan yang dulu pernah aku junjung melepasi realiti sampailah ia jatuh terhempas disebabkan tersalah satu dua langkah semasa berlari menuju bahagia. Jadilah aku manusia kurang rasa, senyum hanya tanda bernyawa, berduka hanya tanda berjiwa.

Hidup ini kelakar. Bila terkenang kebodohan lampau, aku akan tergelak sendiri. Budak yang tidak matang itu suatu masa dulu adalah aku. Budak yang kehingusan mendongak langit meminta Tuhan hapuskan luka. Haha.

Kalau tak ada luka, kau bukan manusia.

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