Jan 28, 2012

Will-less.

I really need a walk right now. But it's too late. And those dogs are barking their lungs out. I still bear it tight in my mind not to walk alone at midnight in a foreign land. I didn't learn taekwando like my sister did, now that I regret of.

I'm still missing the piece.

Remember the story I want to write about? The story of a young girl with a free heart and her worn out sneakers. I still have that dream. To travel and to write. To flee and to breathe. To bail and to live. I have a heart, and two pairs of sneakers. But neither of them is the way I hope they supposed to be.

What is life, actually? How to live anyway?

I missed the crossroads. No U-turn, too bad.

I feel a twist in my stomach, living the life I didn't want. Makes me want to throw up every single time I breathe.

Jan 25, 2012

Halo.

How come, every time I tried to find any reason to hate you, I only found even more reasons to like you?

Paradoxical flow of my senses.

You had me.

It can't be.

Dulu.

Rindu menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu.

Bila mana setiap apa yang menjelma dalam kepala diterjemah dengan ketukan papan kekunci tanpa henti.

Interpretasi yang hilang.

Tumpul diasak sesal.

Maaf, untuk silap yang masih mahu kamu bawa sampai mati gamaknya.

Jan 22, 2012

Broken.

I'm trying not to write anything anymore. Not working, not yet. My thoughts are really persistent. They won't go away until I make them exist in the form of letters. They won't let go until I realize I can't get away from my own mind.

Lately I've been wondering, (in this context, lately means these few months) what kind of person I've become. I want to be a better person but the truth is, I think I've become worse. I don't know how to explain but it feels like the old me has resurfaced. The person that I tried to get away from. The person I want to bury deep down inside but somehow escaped. The person that I hate.

That person is full of anger, towards herself and the world around. She's ignorant, insensitive, fear being around people she's not close to and full of swearing words. She's everything that I tried to hide from the world.

You can't escape from yourself, right? After all these years, I think I did.

If you think I'm some apple-pie sweet little doll, think again. Looks can be deceiving. We all have this mask on our skin to hide the rotten smelly piece of ourselves. If you're succeed, well done.

Jan 20, 2012

Invisible.

I don't know if it's just because of the hormone running through every inch of my fiber, but I swear, at this moment, I completely feel alone and left out.

People grow up to be loners, eventually.

Jan 18, 2012

-

I wish I could just disappear.

And never resurface again.

Jan 13, 2012

#2

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
And if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.

-Frederick Perls

Jan 9, 2012

Stepping out.

People always say, walk beyond your comfort zone. Easier said than done, of course. Do you know how much effort it takes to put a step forward into that hostile, alienated space where everything seems so....not you?

Well apparently, I did. With lots of doubts and insecurities, though. Am I good enough for this? Can I juggle with one more thing to toss around? What about them, can they accept me for who I am and not what they expect me to become?

In a split of second, I regretted it. But then it crossed my mind. How longer do I have to wait till I become ready? What does it take for me to be ready to give instead of just be on the receiving end all this time? Truthfully, I don't have the answer. I just feel that deep down in my heart, I want to do something more.

For what it's worth, I hope I won't turn back from this path. For whatever may come upon me in the future, Allah, please set my heart in this direction if this will bring me closer to you. I'm tired of falling again and again, and again some more. Hope this is the best I can do, for my future self.

InsyaAllah, at His will.

Jan 7, 2012

Epilogue.

May we find what we're searching for.

May He bless us all the way to the eternal place.

May our sins be forgiven and our repentances be accepted.

May we die in faith, and in solace.

Jan 5, 2012

Edges.

I disgust myself, like seriously.

Do you ever show your worst side to people, and then regret it all day long because they get hurt? I really wish I didn't. Wound heals, but scar stays. That's exactly why I'm full of hypocrisies. Because my true form is ugly. It's a sore. People will definitely get hurt if I stay true.

I wish I know how to say I'm sorry. I'm tired of pretending to be nice. But I'm also tired feeling guilty the way I do now. Which is more important, for you to be happy or others?

It's a sick juggle.

Jan 2, 2012

Clover.

I want to take a walk alone on a road with not so many people around. Imagine there will be leaves falling, or even snowflakes. Singing songs in my head. Talking to myself like a schizophrenic.

I want to stand in the rain. Feel the coldness it offers, creeping on my bare skin. Drop by drop. The clouds are crying, purging the sorrow onto me. The sky is mourning, missing the touch of the sun.

I want to take a train. Into the forest, along the seashore, across the field. Wherever it may go, I'll be. Watching the world passes by from a window beside the couch while sipping a cup of hot tea.

I want to be, away.

Jan 1, 2012

Garis permulaan.

Selamat tahun baru, kamu.

Semoga gembira selalu.