Feb 29, 2012

29th.

I dreamed about you, again.
So wonderful, so beautiful, so peaceful.
And I really didn't want to wake up.

That's why I missed my class today.

But then, even dreams have to end.
And leave me with regret
for I have abandoned the chance to live.

Feb 28, 2012

Ced.

I saw a photo of someone important to a person whom I once thought he had a crush on me. Ok, that sounds awkward. Haha. Well, the story is six years old already, so what's the harm? But then, I spent about thirty minutes of my precious time browsing the entire album. Heh.

I remembered how those encounters in high school right from the first day of orientation week left an unsolved curiosity, deeply imprinted on my brain that I continued to possess even now. The feeling of an incomplete story left unfinished in the middle of a climax.

I was awkward around boys, like seriously. And still am. I don't have many connections to them in any sort of way. So that's why I would remember, and will continue to remember about the ones who came into the picture and left something along the pavement of my heart. Even the tiniest footprint.

Nevertheless, it is Locard's principle,
Every contact leaves a trace.

Feb 26, 2012

Blackened.

Suddenly the thing that an estranged friend of mine once wrote come across my mind. It sounds more or less like this,

Aku takut hati aku menjadi kayu yang tidak membenarkan sedikit cahaya pun untuk menembus. Tapi aku juga takut ia menjadi cermin yang memantulkan semua cahaya yang cuba masuk.

What happened to me exactly?

Feb 25, 2012

Melankoli pagi.

Pukul empat pagi hari Sabtu. Dan aku menambah beberapa blog ke dalam senarai untuk dibaca bila otak memberontak tidak mahu menatap buku-buku pelajaran.

Aku sedang kecewa dengan diri sendiri, sebenarnya. Merawat hati dengan tidur dan menonton sitkom sambil ketawa berdekah-dekah diselangi suapan demi suapan biskut kering dan buah mata kucing.

...

Dua tahun.

Masih belum pulih daripada hempasan realiti ke atas angan-angan.

Awan itu indah, tapi jauh. Tak tercapai untuk dipeluk. Kalau pun mungkin bisa digenggam, akan hilang perlahan-lahan di tapak tangan.

Jadi, aku hanya pandang dari bawah mengharapkan langit tidak akan runtuh bersepah.

...

Oh ya, hari ini badan aku berusia dua puluh dua tahun dua bulan.



I can't get enough of this.

Feb 22, 2012

Slaps on our faces.

Kita ini terlalu cepat menghukum, kan? Padahal hakim yang paling besar dan paling adil pun tunggu sampai hari akhirat baru nak menghukum.

Lawan tauke nampak. Heh.

Aku pernah jumpa orang yang tak pakai tudung, tapi rajin menapak ke surau nak rebut pahala banyak. Aku pernah jumpa orang yang pakai tudung labuh, tapi mulut cepat saja nak mengata orang itu ini. Kisah benar, bukan rekaan.

Kamu yang nak mengata orang, dah yakin ke nama tertulis kat depan pintu syurga? Dah pasti tak akan jejakkan walau sebelah kaki ke neraka?

Tolonglah. Semua orang nak jadi baik. Cuma ada yang jumpa jalan yang betul cepat, ada yang lambat, ada yang tersekat, ada yang sesat.

Sibuk dengan saham sendiri sudah la ye? Nak nasihat boleh, tapi berpada-pada lah. Jangan sampai merendah-rendahkan orang lain. Tak sebut nama pun, tetap bercakap tentang seorang hamba Allah.

Tulis untuk diri sendiri sebenarnya.

Feb 20, 2012

Reminder.

It's 5.20 in the morning and I haven't slept yet. Ada benda nak dicerita, perlu dikhabarkan supaya kamu dan aku dapat satu pengajaran.

Jangan pernah berputus asa dengan pertolongan Allah.

Cerita yang panjang tapi aku ringkaskan. Semalam satu hari aku tak tidur demi nak edit video masa pergi Kashmir tempoh hari. Edit punya edit, lepas Subuh baru lelapkan mata. Bukan senang nak edit sebab baru pertama kali nak buat, dah la takde orang nak ajar.

Nak dijadikan sebuah cerita yang pendek supaya kamu tak malas nak baca sampai habis, video yang aku dah habis edit tu hilang disebabkan kebangangan orang yang tengah menulis ni. Dah siap menyumpah seranah semua, buka Google cari macam mana nak restore files yang terdelete dari external hard disk. Cuba punya cuba tak boleh. Terus jugak cuba sambil sapu air mata meleleh. Dalam hati cakap, ya Allah apalah dosa aku hari ni ye sampai kena denda macam ni sekali, bla bla bla. *padahal memang banyak dosa pun, lagi mau tanya ke*. Mintak tolong sungguh-sungguh dengan Allah, sebab serius dah tak tahu nak mintak tolong dengan sape lagi. Google bukan boleh harap sangat pun.

Tiba-tiba terjumpa apa yang dicari. LEGA! Bila dah macam tak ada harapan, tiba-tiba je benda tu muncul.

You know how amazing it is to have that blind faith, and then suddenly poof! There it is. Walaupun betapa jahat dan hinanya diri dan hati aku yang kotor ni, Allah masih kabulkan doa yang dipohon sesungguh hati.

*lap air mata*

112:2
"Allah tempat meminta segala sesuatu."

Enough said.

Feb 17, 2012

Perkara-perkara yang buat aku bahagia #6.

Yesterday, I talked to myself while riding the scooter all the way to the hospital. Out loud. If someone was sitting behind me, I swear she could hear all the things I said. I wore a full-face helmet so no one could see me talking and smiling like a loony. I'm an amateur rider, so basically it's not something I would allow to do on a busy road with large buses and trucks passing by my side just by a few inches.

Somehow, it feels great.

Feb 16, 2012

One day.

If we ever meet again, let's say in five or ten years from now, I have a question that I've been longing to ask you for the past two years.

Just one question. And if you answer it with true honesty, I'll be glad with whatever that is.

You know who you are. And to think about it, I never have a nickname for you, like you've given mine.

How about Doraemon?

Feb 15, 2012

Random #1.

“A customer is the most important visitor on our premises. He is not dependent on us. We are dependent on him. He is not an interruption in our work. He is the purpose of it. He is not an outsider in our business. He is part of it. We are not doing him a favor by serving him. He is doing us a favor by giving us an opportunity to do so.” 
-Mahatma Gandhi


Nampak masa pergi xerox kat kedai Samsung tadi. Tunggu punya tunggu, mata meliar sampai ke dinding. Tergantung kat sebelah TV yang tengah tayang drama Hindustan.

Feb 14, 2012

The quiet girl with the loudest mind.

A friend of mine once asked me, how is it like to be a quiet person? I smiled. I said, it's fun. I always have fun watching people talking and arguing and joking and rambling and bitching and whatever they do with their voices. That is some kind of entertainment for me.

I like to observe. Human, is an interesting being. I love to analyse people based on what they do and act. Actions speak better than words. Body language is a beautiful thing. I can actually know what they are thinking and understand what they are feeling just by looking. I know when they are upset but don't show it, when they are annoyed but just have to bear with the situation or the people involved, or when they have something to say but don't have the gut to bring it out loud. That, is fun.

I understand people this way. But of course, I eventually become difficult to be understood. It's nice to be mysterious sometimes. Cause people will be surprised of what I can say and do. I love to see those unbelievable expressions on their faces once I did something I'm not expected to do.

I'm not as innocent as I looked. Honest.

Feb 11, 2012

21 Guns.

It's weird.

I hope I can play musical instruments, like guitar or piano. Or draw and sketch everything I see and feel. Or write poetry. Or anything else that is artistic.

Cause I think that's the only way I could express what I want to say. Spoken words are not my best interest. I failed at that.

Can we do a brain transplantation?

Feb 10, 2012

A walk in the forest.

Seeing people around me doing the exact same thing I once did, the feeling comes back like a bullet train reaching a station after another. The sudden smile that popped up on my face. That moment where I could even hear my heart beat faster. The song that came out of nowhere. The invisible elation.

I miss it actually. Honest.

It's okay. There are a lot more ways to be happy.

*pat on my heart*

Feb 8, 2012

This world is full of clowns and jokers.

I wish I could comfort you. Embrace you with solace. Lend you a pair of ears to pour the bitterness of the world. I won't say a word, just smile and sit still. Anything that will show you, I'm here.

But I can't. Not now. Maybe not ever.

Be strong. I know you are.

Feb 7, 2012

Iman is like a wheel, sometimes above and sometimes below.

Tiba-tiba rindu perasaan mula-mula disapa hidayah Allah. Betapa kotor dan hitam rasa diri pada saat itu. Betapa berat dosa-dosa yang dipikul atas bahu, dikendong dalam hati.

Mahu jadi putih kembali. Sebelum bibir bertukar biru.

Allah, maaf dan terima kasih.

Feb 4, 2012

Redemption.

I thought it will hurt to the bone. But it didn't.

Let me quote my kakak usrah. "Tawakal pada Allah itu penting. Doa sungguh-sungguh mintak dengan Allah sampai menangis. Berserah diri, apa nak jadi, bahagia atau menderita."

You see, the thing is I already did all those things. I know the meaning of having faith is to believe what is unseen. I can't see the future but I believe He made the perfect plan for me.

But still, a part of me is left behind. I don't know how to save it from the past. But I do know this will all pass like dust in the wind. Just waiting for the right moment as long as I stand here with courage to face the days ahead. Can't wait to feel the absolute freedom.

I am better, somehow.

Blog Archive