Apr 28, 2012

Sweet little perfections.

I've always loved
a desolated street,
a clean pavement,
the sun ray between leaves,
the whistling sound of wind,
the sprinkles of rain,
the moist smell of morning air,
the sounds of water being poured,
the warmth of blanket,
the sudden long-distance calls and
an everlasting cuddle with books,
to accommodate my empty soul. 

Apr 21, 2012

Does the pain weighs out the pride?

Dulu aku ada sebuah blog puisi (la sangat). Dah padam, hilang. Blog itu aku tulis dalam tahun 2010, tahun di mana emosi aku berada di paras negatif. Orang kata nak tulis puisi ni emosi dan perasaan kena ada, baru terkesan dan menjadi. Dulu pun, entri-entri aku dalam blog yang lama boleh dikatakan semuanya emosional. Ada sebahagian yang aku simpan dalam blog ini, ada yang dah lenyap jadi sampah halimunan dalam alam maya.

Perasaan. Aku rasa dalam usaha untuk menjadi seseorang yang lebih gembira dan kurang sedih, aku letak perasaan ke paling belakang dalam barisan. In the sense of, pergi jahanam semua rasa yang pernah mencengkam kulit dan mencekik tenggorok aku sehingga setiap nafas yang aku tarik terasa berat dan kosong tanpa udara. Persetankan semua harapan yang dulu pernah aku junjung melepasi realiti sampailah ia jatuh terhempas disebabkan tersalah satu dua langkah semasa berlari menuju bahagia. Jadilah aku manusia kurang rasa, senyum hanya tanda bernyawa, berduka hanya tanda berjiwa.

Hidup ini kelakar. Bila terkenang kebodohan lampau, aku akan tergelak sendiri. Budak yang tidak matang itu suatu masa dulu adalah aku. Budak yang kehingusan mendongak langit meminta Tuhan hapuskan luka. Haha.

Kalau tak ada luka, kau bukan manusia.

Apr 18, 2012

Because life can do terrible things.

I want these moments to be recorded and played repeatedly forever. The moments with my family.

Those times when we sit together in the living room while fighting over the remote control, and also who's gonna sit where. We'd laugh and eat and drink coffee and laugh some more. It's a tradition since I was little.

Those times when all nine of us were packed into a car (when Anis was still small, she used to sit on my mother's lap). Imagine nine people in a car. That's what my family would look like when we went to visit my father's side of the family in his hometown during raya. But now when all of us had grown big and tall, one car is not enough. Along the one hour and a half journey, you could hear the mixture of me pricking those little brats, them arguing over petty things, Ma's nagging and Abah's cool anger.

Those times when Ma would force me to take medicine that she bought for my skin condition. She would nag and nag until she shove it in my face and left me with no choice. I'm a little bit skeptical about unprescribed medicine so it irritated me most of the time but that is what I would miss when I was away from home.

I wish I could freeze these moments. Put them in my pocket and take it with me anywhere I may go. Every time I'm home I feel teary. Because I know we can't stay like this forever. I can't stop thinking about the future. We're all gonna get married and probably stay far away from each other. Ma and Abah will grow older and weaker and I know someday they will be gone.

And this house. This house that have captured our laughters and tears, shouts and nags, prides and shames, plays and fights. It probably will be empty, just a matter of time.

Have you ever think so deep and far into the upcoming future, what your life will be like, let's say in 20 or 30 years from now? I did, maybe more often than I should have. It makes me afraid of the future. Makes me nervous to go there knowing I will not have everything that I do now.

It's dreadful, each and every single time, when the thought of it comes.


12.45 am
14 April 2012
The farthest room beside the toilet.

Apr 16, 2012

Playlists.

Sebenarnya, ia memalukan bila mana aku mengingati lirik itu datang dari lagu yang mana lebih baik daripada aku mengingati ayat al-Quran itu tempatnya di surah yang mana.

Tak, ia tidak membanggakan jauh sekali untuk dijadikan pelaburan buat meningkatkan saham aku kat akhirat.

Kalau kamu menilik pemain mp3 putih kesayangan aku yang hampir berumur empat tahun itu, kamu akan terjumpa pelbagai lagu. Dari lagu rock yang berdesing bunyi gitarnya di telinga ke lagu balada yang jiwang meleleh ke lagu nasyid yang buat aku rasa aku manusia terhina.

Letak ia ke dalam mode shuffle, dan kamu akan jumpa hidup. Hidup, begitulah. Macam campuran lagu-lagu yang jadi halwa telinga setiap kali aku keluar berjoging, tulis nota pelajaran atau bila mahu menggosok baju untuk bekalan lima hari pada setiap hujung minggu.

Ada masa jadi jahat, ada masa jadi baik. Ada masa jadi kasar, ada masa jadi lembut. Ada masa jadi bahan puji, ada masa jadi bahan keji. Ada masa makan nasi, ada masa makan tahi.

Jadi setan berkali-kali tak apa, asalkan tak pernah berhenti mencuba untuk menjadi malaikat. Setuju?

Family #2.

I think every child used to sleep together with their parents until at some point, we reached the age of which when we're awake in the middle of the night, the soft stroke of their hands on our back was not necessary anymore to get us back to sleep.

I remember how my father often slept beside me when I was little. At that time, there were just six of us. My parents, Along, me, Ain and little baby Yana. Yana slept in my parents' room while the remaining three of us in one room with bunk bed. Along would sleep on the upper bed, Ain and me on the bottom one.

At nights, I would insist Abah to sleep beside me while 'dodoi'ing us. It felt so secured and comforting to have him around while all of us dozing off soundly. Even though he snored, it's like a lullaby to me.

I always have these flashbacks of my childhood when I go back to the house that I grew up in. It felt like just yesterday those things happened when in fact, it's almost 20 years ago.

If I can choose what I can keep and what I can lose, let me have my family and my memories, and I will happily give away all other things in the world.

Apr 1, 2012

Lost in transition.

If you happen to be at LCCT on 7th April 2012 around midnight, you may want to check out Mary Brown. Look at the nearest table beside the entrance. You'll find a girl there. She may sit alone or with some friends, most probably alone. She'll sit there from midnight until dawn. Reading a novel with a serious face. Sometimes, when you're lucky, you'll see her laughing by herself. She'll order chicken porridge with coffee to make her survive the night without feeling sleepy. People around her keep coming and going, but she won't move a spot. When her eyes get hurt by reading for so long, she'll play games on her phone. Maybe she'll be alone for the rest of the night, but believe me, she's happy.

By the way, if you see her don't forget to say hi. Maybe you will be another reason for her to smile.

A girl can dream.

I'm the crankiest in the morning. I dare you to wake up everyday and find a horrible monster you thought you never knew with a smile.

If you succeed, then let's live together for the rest of our lives.

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