Sep 29, 2012


Seronok. Membaca perca-perca perjalanan hidup yang ada di ceruk-ceruk terdalam. Korek, gali, kuis, baru jumpa. Gigih betul namanya.

Kamu, kamu, dan kamu. Terima kasih. Sangat-sangat. Kerana menjadikan saya ini adalah saya sekarang.

Kalau boleh dilakarkan graf tahun melawan pengalaman, saya rasa tiga tahun yang lepas adalah puncaknya. Setakat umur saya yang sekarang inilah. Saya jadi makin tebal kulit muka, makin kental jiwa, makin kuat dinding dalam dada, makin kukuh iman dalam hati, makin banyak luka dan tawa, makin tinggi melantun setelah terjatuh lagaknya seperti bola getah yang dibaling dari atas menuju tanah.

Masih bernyawa. Masih berdosa. Selagi ada masa walau satu saat, saya akan cuba untuk hidup, bukan sekadar bernafas.

Dan senyum. Kamu juga harapnya, ya?

Sep 24, 2012

#3.

Abu Sa'id al-Khudri r.a. reported that the Prophet May Allah's peace and praise be on him said: 
"Whenever a Muslim is afflicted with a hardship, sickness, sadness, worry, harm, or depression --even a thorn's prick, Allah expiates his sins because of it."
-Muslim & Bukhari 

My scars are mostly regrets.

Have you ever said something beyond limits?

Words that are hurtful and unpleasant, somehow come out when your mind does not run in the parallel line as your sanity. Words that can suddenly change someone's existence from a friend to a stranger. Words that you cannot take back once they appear, regardless of how hard you try to make things right. Words that, after your sanity returns, they disgust you to the bone. Words that you wish were never spoken or written in any dictionary in the world.

'Words can harm or heal. Choose yours carefully.'

So I scribbled in the front page of a book given to a friend as a birthday present. A message I intended to give to myself.

Since when have you become this loathsome, huh?

Sep 23, 2012


This happened five years ago. In a small hall with rows and rows of uncomfortable chairs. Parents and students. Baggages and boxes. My registration day as a foundation student. My 18 year-old self was so sleepy and fatigue from travelling to KL since before dawn. Abah could not get inside as the hall was so packed, so he waited for me outside.

The nearly bald president gave a long uninteresting speech. But then, as I started to pay attention I heard him saying that if any one of us wanted to back off from this path now, it's not too late. I replied silently, 'What did you mean it's not too late? We already signed the scholarship contract, travelled miles away from home, burdened our shoulders with hopes and trust. What did you mean by that?'

I now know the answer. But i wish i had known it back then, so that this madness would not begin in the first place.

If you could start your life all over again, what would you do?

But then, 'if' is a dangerous word. It can take you high up to reach the clouds, or it can crash you down shattered on the ground.

...

A week left before the 4th year final exam. I can barely breathe.

Sep 18, 2012

Kalau kau tak faham jugak, memang kau minta pelempang selaju kereta api peluru.

Allah, kalau kau cari Dia masa susah ke masa senang ke, ada Dia komplen?
Manusia, kalau kau cari masa dia susah, sebelah tangan je kau dia tolak.

Allah, minta la banyak mana pun kat Dia tak pernah kata 'Kau apehal?'
Manusia, cuba la minta banyak-banyak benda, sekali penumbuk hinggap kat muka.

Allah, kau mengadu la setiap hari setiap jam, tak pernah Dia suruh kau lari jauh-jauh.
Manusia, kau suruh dengar dua tiga kali, kali keempat dah mengeluh lenguh.

Kau tak tahu ke Allah tu sibuk mengurus dunia?
Tapi Dia masih ada masa untuk kau yang bukan siapa-siapa.
Yeah, He's cool like that.

Tak payah sibuk-sibuk nak mengendeng menagih telinga manusia untuk kau tadah segala benda yang kau tak puas hati dalam dunia ni.
Nak mengadu dengan Tuhan senang je wa cakap lu.
Atas jalan, tengah bawak motor, tengah makan, sebelum tidur, dalam jamban, masa kau sorang-sorang, bila kau dikerumuni orang.

Allah punya masa untuk kau bila-bila kau suka.
Manusia belum tentu ada.

Tolonglah, kau tolonglah ingat ini sampai mati.

Sep 16, 2012

If we only got a hundred years to live.

"Yes, I'm serious. Can't imagine living my whole life bitching about something I don't even love."

So I said at that time, thinking how much I despised being a medic student and how to spend my entire life as a doctor. I want to do something different. Something I've loved all this time.

Mathematics.

Many people say that you have to love what you have, not to have what you love. Even I said that somewhere, sometime before. Well, screw that. If you don't have the courage to pursue what you wanted, even when everybody says you're crazy or hopeless, you don't deserve to live.

But as strong as my opinion gets, deep down inside I know I'm scared. If there's one thing that I hate about myself, it's the heart that keeps wavering. I'm afraid I will change my mind, maybe somewhere in the future. Let's worry about that later, will ya?

One thing for sure is that I resist to live my life by anyone's definition but mine.

Sep 12, 2012


I think I love trains, or buses
Anything that moves and has windows
And a seat
Engine roars
Clouds
Birds
Wind
Knee to the chest
Smile

Alone.

Sep 9, 2012

Hangover.

You know when someone was drunk and having an enormous hangover the next morning? When he could hardly remember what he did or what he said during those hazy moments clouded by alcohol?

That's how I feel right now.

And my alcohol is anger.

People can be very honest when they are drunk, saying everything they wanted to say all this time without trying to sugarcoat it. That's what anger does to me. It makes me honest and thorough, but a little off the line and beyond the limit.

But, as every drunk person who wakes up with a headache and guilt over what he had done, so am I. Things I broke would not be the same.

I too, will not be the same.

Sep 8, 2012

Screw you, Samsung.

Argh, stress.

Kau jenis penyimpan. Kau simpan segala gambar, snapshots, video rakaman sendiri, catatan-catatan suara dalam kepala, memo-memo penting dan kurang penting, lagu-lagu kesayangan dan buku-buku digital. Kau simpan dalam telefon bimbit. Kau simpan dalam benda yang sangat fragile. Kau simpan semua benda tu dalam bentuk yang kau tak boleh pegang atau sentuh.

Sekali telefon bimbit kau rosak. Semua memori terpadam.

Kau nak salahkan siapa?

Dah. Dah cukup banyak aku mencarut hari ni.

Sep 7, 2012

Ada sebab.

Ada sebab kenapa aku terdampar di tanah India.
Ada sebab kenapa aku tak gagal tahun pertama walaupun aku hampir menangis ketika mengisi kertas jawapan yang lompong.
Ada sebab kenapa aku dan dia di kelas yang sama.
Ada sebab kenapa kami didekatkan, sedekat-dekatnya kemudian dijauhkan sampai tak nampak muka.
Ada sebab kenapa Allah mahu aku jatuh berkali-kali selepas penat lelah bangun sendiri.
Ada sebab kenapa aku masih di sini walaupun berniat mahu lari tak pandang tepi.
Ada sebab kenapa aku makan nasi malam tadi.
Ada sebab aku tak mati dilanggar lori lagi.
Ada sebab kenapa aku dapat ini dan hilang itu.
Ada sebab, yang Tuhan Maha Tahu.

Sep 1, 2012


I often imagine how it would be like, to steal the face of someone else's and see how natural will you react with my presence.

Are we, broken beyond repair?

By the way, happy birthday.

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