Feb 19, 2013


This may sound childish, but I really want to stay with my family forever.

Being away from home since a teenager somehow makes me value my family more, though I rarely shows it. Dan malam ini rasa rindu itu datang bertimpa-timpa. Can't we just stay together forever, all nine of us? I mean just us, no outsiders. Rindu mahu bergelak ketawa bersama di ruang tamu yang sempit, berebut kerusi di depan TV sambil menghirup kopi yang dibancuh Ma. Kali terakhir semua orang berkumpul lengkap sembilan jasad adalah raya tahun lepas, selepas tiga tahun tak bersua muka dengan Along. Felt like we were living our childhood again. Those school days and holidays, before Along and I went to college. And I think that would be the last time ever, since Along will be getting married this May. Then he will have another family of his own. Somehow that makes me sad, jealous even.

I've said this once before. If I could keep my family forever, I would happily give away all other things in the world.

But no, life doesn't work that way.

Feb 17, 2013

Count your blessings.

When I was in my second year of medschool, we were already posted to the hospital. Met patients, learnt bedside manners, read charts, interpreted ECGs, came across death first-handed. There was a doctor, let's call him Dr. C, who was the HOD of Internal Medicine department. As far as I was concerned, he stopped working soon after we were posted to the hospital due to lung cancer. I still remember one day, when he was escorted to his car by all of his colleagues carrying a briefcase, to say goodbye I guess.

Then 3 years later, last Friday, I met him again. He was supposed to give a lecture to us at 8 am about vasculitis. He wore a white shirt, black pants, a device hung around his neck like a necklace--which is used to tell the radiation level he has been exposed to, and what struck me the most was, an oxygen tank. Which immediately reminded me of Hazel Grace Lancaster.

He talked for about an hour and half while standing, with the tube stuck inside his nose and the tank connected to the electrical source. I could see he's a little bit tired and somehow out of breath but he kept talking on and on and even gave a slot for questions. He left quite an impression to me, about how passionate a teacher could be, how a person could survive the greatest obstacle in his life and still standing in one piece, better maybe.

Just so you know, oxygen is one of the most expensive drugs that exist. And we actually get it for free.

Feb 13, 2013

"You can't have everything, dear."

I said to the mirror as she thumped her fist to the chest,
breaking every piece of her that's left.

Feb 9, 2013

"How will we ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering?"

I've always imagined there are universes other than this. Parallel alternative universes. Made up by the choices we didn't take, the roads we didn't travel. Another us. Another me.

I love to make up scenes in my head, watching myself from afar. I love to see me cycling to work early in the morning in the thin mist and when I reach the library, the smell of the books blooms my heart until it nearly bursts. I love to see me walking along the ocean, watching birds flying freely, counting the seashells I collect for my next art project. I love to see me writing in a book, doodling things with coffee in my hand while waiting to board the train to the place I've never seen.

I never get tired of imagining things. It's a way to escape this life that I am compelled to live. A way to ensure that I have taken all choices and lived all the consequences. Because a single road alone kinda sucks. You are bound to the one road you choose without any collateral ones. When you're stuck, you're stuck. There's no other way around. No back up plan. No U Turn. It is what it is, and you become what you made yourself up with.

I guess I watched too much tv series.

Feb 2, 2013

When you're misunderstood and not given a chance to explain yourself, it's quite hurtful. Yeah, a lot actually. I was a mess for a few days. And then I decided why the hell should I care about something or someone that just made me unhappy?

So, screw you and your life and your perception that I was a beggar to plead a place inside your circle of care. I don't give a damn anymore.

I only keep what makes me happy. So tired of being so damn miserable all the time.

Let's not meet each other again. Ever.

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