Mar 29, 2013

Holiday.

I actually miss him. Sitting about three feet apart in the exam hall was the closest I got to him in years (well, I guess bumping into each other once in a long while didn't really count). Honestly, my heart skipped a beat when I saw him two weeks ago after quite a long time.

I never knew I would ever like someone this much. I knew he's different the first time we talked five years ago.

May I see him again in two weeks, even from afar.

Mar 21, 2013




It's 12.40 am. And I actually have Medicine end-of-posting exam tomorrow. A complete set. Long case, viva and OSCE, minus a short case.

But do enjoy this, please :)

Mar 14, 2013




Nobody here's perfect
But everyone's to blame.

Mar 10, 2013

The ugly duckling who would never turn into a beautiful swan.

I'm not so big on birthdays. When I was a kid, I didn't even have a birthday cake. Ma would cook something special like nasi minyak or nasi ayam for us, that's it. No presents, no wishes. My family is not a talker, means that we don't talk about something personal or intimate or sentimental or anything like it, just the usual random routine stuff. We're not like a typical loving family, yeah I know that, but that doesn't mean we don't love each other as much as other does.

So, today is my housemate's birthday. I swear I forgot. I kind of isolated myself from everyone lately. No phone, no facebook, not even books actually. I spent most of my days watching a new series I downloaded (I'm on season 2 already, talk about wasting time idiotically). I thought I heard someone came to our house and screamed happy birthday, but I didn't even bother to come out of my room. There was even a cake sitting in my fridge this morning, still I had no idea it's her birthday. Then a few minutes ago I decided to check on facebook, there it was--the notification. Bam.

I wish someone had messaged me or knocked on my door last night. Do you know how weird this situation is? Maybe you don't. I kind of feel awkward wishing someone's happy birthday alone. It sounds really..how shall I put this? I don't know, just not my kind of thing. I wish I could be more comfortable reaching out to people, not keeping it all builds up inside.

This is why I think I should have lived alone, in my cave. Maybe forever, I don't know. I have problem connecting to people. It's just easier to carry on things on my own. I don't have to give a damn about what other people feel or think or even feel bad when I hurt them.

How can you change the worst part of yourself?


This is also the reason I think I'm not supposed to be in his life. Doraemon has a big family, like really big. I can't think of a way to insert my socially awkward self among them.

He deserves better.

Mar 9, 2013


It would be great to have a therapist, I guess. A stranger who sits beside you and listens to all the craps poured out from your heart. No one gets hurt and then when you're finished you can just walk away without turning back to receive judgement. How great is that?

A smile can fool you, ya know. It always does.

I wish I could just disappear without a trace.

Mar 8, 2013


There was one moment when I was very sure of something. Almost shove up all my cards for the bet that everything was perfectly how it's supposed to be.

How can life be so uncertain? Like one moment you thought you've figured it all out, then later you sat down and wondered if it was just a delusion inside your head.

For example, three months ago I was very sure of what I wanted and ready to plan my life for the next 5 years at least. And then just a few weeks ago I felt that all of it just something far out of my reach, like it was not meant to be.

Plans fail, promises are broken and life can end any second.

I'm certain of my feelings for you, but I'm not so sure anymore if I should be in your life.

Mar 7, 2013


Have you ever stopped for a moment in your life and started to wonder how you got there? All your mistakes and falls and how you got back up, mending your broken spirits and then fell all over again. How do you breathe in your failures? How to keep going when everything seems to fall out of your control?

I don't ask much, just enough to make my parents proud of me. And I think I never fail to do so since as long as I could remember, but just up to this point in my life where all that I do is disappointing myself.  How could you make someone proud when you disgust yourself to the bone?

I never run away from anything in my life no matter how hard it is. But this one, I can barely be insane long enough to realize that I have a thousand hopes in my hand, ready to be crushed anytime I slip.

How can I do this?

God, I hate myself.

Mar 6, 2013




Heavenly beautiful.

Mar 4, 2013

Breakdown.

These days are hard. It's difficult to breathe without feeling the urge to cry thinking how much I've screwed up my life. Who am I kidding? I can't be and shouldn't even try to think of becoming a doctor. Totally the opposite of who I am and what I love. I'm not a people person and I can't even talk properly to patients. I may become the worst doctor in history. Not to mention how inadequate my knowledge is. What on earth is this? What the hell am I doing? I sleep too much nowadays. Because I feel that sleep is the only way to escape, even just temporarily, from this madness that I begin to feel. This is so not right.

You know what? Reading books and memorizing words are so different when it comes to treating patients. I don't know how to connect the dots and apply the things I read to make someone better. Again, what the hell am I doing? It's so different from when I'm doing Maths. I know exactly which formula to use, how to solve a question and will try until the last second to do so.

You can say that I am one of the best example of people who destroy her life by taking a wrong choice.

Mar 2, 2013




You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down 
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper

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