Jul 28, 2013


I don't know where else I can write this. I tried to sleep this feeling off but it didn't go away. It keeps echoing in my mind trying to get out. I've never told anyone about this before. So here I am, writing to no one in particular. If any of you who's reading this knows me personally, this is not membuka aib sendiri. I just want to come clean about who I actually am, not what you perceive or imagine.

I was not born into a religious family. Not many knows, no one in my current circle of friends since they all think that pakai tudung labuh is religious. Nope, you're totally wrong. Abah was not strict to us in the beginning, only for the past 10 years he began to. He started to send my sisters to sekolah agama, of which Along and I didn't get the chance to.

I was a bad kid. Solat tak pernah cukup, always argue with my parents, mencarut adalah perkara biasa. I still remember one time, my ustazah asked me to recite a few verses of Quran during our kelas mengaji session and I couldn't even read it properly. When she asked me "Dah lama tak mengaji ke?", I nodded in embarassment.

Then I went to a boarding school. This was where I became a new person. I felt like I was reborn. Rasa macam Allah bagi satu peluang untuk berubah, no matter how rotten I was in the beginning. I started to wear tudung labuh (not that labuh, but still), cover my aurat properly and began to hold the Quran once again. This all started during my orientation week, so most of my high school friends also didn't know me as I once were.

Then I went to India. This is where my faith was challenged. Being away from home and from a community where Muslims are majority really put a test to what I've been practicing before. But in the end, I can say that I became better than I was. Before this, I did everything without understanding why I should. I did everything blindly without having the soul of doing them. My faith became stronger.

But everyday is a struggle to me. My past did not go away, it has become a part of who I am. You can't run away from who you are. People see me as this sweet nice 'alim' girl who is always smiling. Honestly, I hate it when they call me alim or nice. Because deep down, I know I'm not. I really try to shrug the image off. You may not understand this, but it hurts me for people to see me as a person I'm not. I'm not that special, I'm not that great, I'm not that person you can look up to, I'm not that person you should be jealous with, I'm not that person you wanted as your guide and companion, I'm not that person you can say "Ah, I really want her in my life". I am not.

When I look at my friends who have changed for the better just recently, not long ago, I felt ashamed. It's been what, 8 years now since Allah chose me to be a better person, and here I am still struggling on the inside. One day I can be on the top, and suddenly the next day I can be on the lowest bottom. When I look at them who have changed for not more than 2 or 3 years, they can even handle an usrah, giving tazkirah and all. Then I look at myself, and I see a girl from ten years ago, wearing a different mask.

Self, I know that I love you. But I think I hate you more than you can ever imagine.

Jul 27, 2013

How can I give them up?
I can't. No, I won't.

Jul 19, 2013


When that old story resurfaced out of nowhere, I was left speechless. Left undecided between feeding their hunger of the truth, or keeping the sensitive issue of Doraemon and I just between us and left his name behind my tongue, forever buried under the unsaid words.

Honestly, I could tell it to any person asking. I wouldn't mind. But this was a story between two people. One could not mention her name without the other. He deserves at least that. This issue used to be a joke for some people, ridiculing him from time to time. They did not know the pain and burden we both felt. Do you know how difficult it is to deny one's own desire in order to do the right thing? An endless fight with yourself. The unseen struggle.

If you ever come across my writing, please know that this was not my intention. Things became big and out of my control because of my one silly mistake.

Thank you, and sorry.

Jul 12, 2013

Because we, my dear, are not the same. Each has his own baggage, and dirt.

"Ada Allah untuk aku sudah cukup."

Ya, penyataan itu benar untuk kamu yang tahap iman setinggi langit. Tak tergegar dek kerana satu dua tahi di tengah jalan.

Bukan aku, bukan aku.

Aku mahu sepasang telinga yang mendengar tanpa prejudis.

You may not know the magnitude of the pain of keeping it all inside. Not able to tell, not able to share. In my entire period of existence even till now, those ears have always been mine.

Maybe I need a therapist. Or a stranger by the street.





Jul 7, 2013

Well done.

There was a time when seeing your name evoked a deep sorrow inside of me. But now all I can produce is a brief smirk and then move on with other things, peacefully forgetting the pain I once felt.

Misery is an option. 

Jul 2, 2013

11 am.

I love how you can hear the sound of the birds singing along in the background.
Raw perfection.