Dec 20, 2015

Would you forgive me if i got too greedy?

Don't worry, i'm getting older and better at keeping my emotions in check.

But sometimes, just sometimes, i want to ask what you had for lunch and was it raining heavily last night or is the sky too pretty today.

Because once in a while, i just miss you too much.

Nov 4, 2015

I still get palpitations whenever i see your name.

Eight years. Eight freaking years.

Oct 21, 2015

I'm not in the mood of making a family. I'm still not happy with my life. There's so much i want to change but still, being a coward i am, i need an escape plan. Plan B to Z.  So many uncertainties make me think too much and do nothing.

I go to work at 6am and return home nearly midnight on daily basis. I wake up every morning and feel like my whole body weighs a thousand pounds. I feel like screaming to every face i meet but instead i fake a smile.

How is it possible to be happy living like that?

Oct 11, 2015

Why do you always start something, and then end it so cruelly?

So cowardly.

Oct 9, 2015

I'm a doctor. A crappy one.

I started working 18 months ago. First day on the job, i had a presyncopal attack, missed my Asar prayer and drived back to my parents home drenched in sweat, tears and fears. It was a hell like no other. I could feel that i'm losing myself bit by bit. The most obvious one is my smile. God, i miss my smiling resting face.

But i'm still a doctor. A crappy one. Is there any reason to stay?

Sep 12, 2015

I wish i could just stay mad at you. That would have been easier than this. This. I don't know what this is, but it sure hurts like hell.

If you decided to leave, you should just stay that way. So that i can still be angry for a long time, just long enough to wash all feelings away.

What should i do now? God, what's there left to do?

Sep 1, 2015

Hey there, happy birthday.

I'm postcall and mostly famished. My dreams are still undecided between getting another degree and opening up a book cafe. None has anything to do with an MBBS certificate but both needs a lot of money. So i'm still stuck at being a good-for-nothing doctor. Bills have to be paid and dreams still have nothing but an endless stare.

By the way, i often wonder that if we are given a second chance in the future, will i still like you, or will i become so dry and opaque i don't let any feeling to come through anymore?

Aug 20, 2015

Sudah terlalu lama rasanya,

merajuk dengan Tuhan.

Aug 12, 2015

Sometimes i just want to talk to you. About anything. About how good the weather is, whether you had lunch or not, about the cat i found outside my house, the drama i am watching and the song i'm listening to, the sky, the rain, the stupid people i met and most of all, about how i still miss you like crazy.

Why do i feel like no one understands me like you do? It gets tiring. I'm tired of explaining in subtle ways no one bothers to decode.

I'm sorry. It's just a difficult day. More like a difficult phase i'm through. I just miss you more on days like these.

And again, you will have no idea about it.

Aug 8, 2015

I still hope i can be your comfort person. The person who can give you solace.

All i need is your hand.

Jul 19, 2015

It's a hard day at work. I came home feeling disappointed and lethargic. Scrolling down the facebook and instagram, and then makan hati sorang-sorang. No one invited me to their open house. Not that i wanted to go, but still. Kawan satu universiti yang bekerja satu hospital pun, they never ask me. No one bother to ask where the hell i am.

That made me realize, wow, what a small circle of friends i have. Very small indeed.

Aza, Azzah and Joyce. I miss you guys. Seriously. The people who came knocking on my doors during my moody days and gave me a smile. The ones who never stop and go away even when i push too hard. They never give me up, even when i'm all awkward and stiff and indifferent.

Friends, i lose them so easily but very difficult to gain. You three are enough. Just enough.

Jul 3, 2015

I was too immature and inexperienced back then, to handle such a huge and extravagant feeling i had for you. It was too enormous i could feel myself burnt out. It was childish to think that everything was okay when it's obviously not.

And consequently, i broke your heart. Twice. That deserves me your resentment.

I still get angry sometimes. It haunts me everyday that if only i choose differently, would we have been happier now? I have decided to be a stone. To feel less about everything. That's all i can resolute for now.

If i am doing okay, then why do i still have dreams about you? Dreams that i don't want to wake up from. Dreams that are so beautiful and comforting i could feel myself floating around in happiness somewhere not real.

I'm sorry i couldn't give more than a scar that will last a lifetime.

Apr 11, 2015

It still hurts. Everyday of my life.

Mar 28, 2015

Where do we go from here? I am both excited and anxious the first time that message came after a period of silence and heart-renovating. You, of all people. I still can feel the palpitations.

The real question is, where do we go from here? Cause i'm pretty sure we're both the same. Stuck.

I lost a part of my heart the moment you said hi to me seven years ago. I did not realize how big it was until i tried to fix myself. It never worked out.

There's a hole. In the size of you.

Feb 12, 2015

It may sound silly. But everytime we're both online on whatsapp even though we're not interacting with each other, it feels like we are in a closed space of thoughts. Somewhere silent and calming. Some place where we are actually together.

And it is enough for now.

Feb 2, 2015

I miss you. I don't know anywhere else to say but here. Can i go any longer than this? Where is the limit? I cannot see the end. I tried, i tried, and so i tried. I put a stop, or so i thought.

I still can't breathe easy. My mind is still a landmine. My heart a grenade. My soul a desert.

God knows i tried so hard to make you disappear.

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