Dec 11, 2016

"What was he like?"



"Yeah, wind. He was invisible, gentle and soothing but has the power to destroy everything in his way. He swept away all feelings i had inside of me like a tornado cleaning up a city. He was one of my unspoken truth, buried beneath a broken faith."

Nov 22, 2016

1. I've spent almost the entire of my 20's loving a wrong person (whom i once truly believed to be the right one, which makes it hurts a lot more).

2. It was real, my torture was real. But when no one even remembered what happened (or they choose to be ignorant, or maybe they are just bloody forgetful), it makes me question my sanity.

3. Have you ever sit beside the wrong person's (read no 1) future second-most-important-person-in-life and heard their wedding plans while attempting to swallow a piece of meat with a fake smile?

4. Dear you, have a great life (or please don't).

Oct 31, 2016

List of things that hurt:
1. You
2. Everything else

Oct 21, 2016

Writing used to be my escape. But now, it feels like i don't have the right to write anymore.

I must have killed you a thousand times in my head, but then i guess i still love you a thousand times more. Some days are wonderful. I smile a lot and i feel like i can finally let you go. But some days are close to hell i just sit alone and hear my heart tears apart.

I should wish you a happy life but sometimes i just want you to suffer as much as i do.

Sep 21, 2016

I still don't get it sometimes where did i do wrong. You thought that you've already done everything right, but then everything turns out to be never ending bullshits.

I should've stand by my decision a long time ago. That was my biggest mistake. I'm just too lost now i can't see myself returning to the old me.

Will i just die like this, sinful and hollow, or will there come a day when everything falls into place again?

Sep 17, 2016

I can never understand how on earth could you say that you like me, and then decided to marry someone else.


Sep 2, 2016

Why do i feel like my life right now is overly pathetic? I don't have any close friends within a talking distance. My only close friends are scattered over the country. I don't keep in touch with people that i grew up with. People just keep on leaving.

And when i finally found someone that i could talk to and who really wanted to listen, he too, left.

I just feel so lonely all of sudden. Why can't you give me at least one? Why do you have to take it all?

Am i not worthy of them all?

Jul 23, 2016

How long does it take to move on? How much longer does it take to brush this feeling away? You no longer have the right to be in my 2am thoughts. Why does it take so little memories to mess up such a huge space in my mind?

Why the hell i still cry silently, in my car or on my bed, when i think of you?

Jun 25, 2016

It's not fair that i can read your heart but you can't read mine. Not fair at all.

May 31, 2016

It was never the right moment for us. We're always a little too early or a little too late. Hence, the consequences. I think about you a little bit less nowadays. I wonder if i can think of you a little bit lesser in the future.

But nevertheless, you'll always be here.  Cause you are the first person to break my heart, and i cannot imagine how to love anyone yet but you.

May 18, 2016

"You'd think that i learnt my lesson by now
You'd think that i'd somehow figure out
If you strike the match you're bound to feel the flame
You'd think that i'd learned the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still i drive myself right through the pain"

May 17, 2016

It's like withdrawal symptoms. When you're addicted to something for so long that it becomes a part of your life, it's normal to be empty and hollow without it. The world suddenly seems colder and duller. You become anhedonia to a lot of things.

I survived this, i can survive it again. I just need a longer time to brush you away. It is time for each of us to become free of one another.

Live a happy life. Smile, and just move on.

And in the end, we ended.

May 16, 2016

I'm sorry that everything i touched turned to dust.

Years later, i still cried myself to sleep.

May 2, 2016

One stupid miscall.

And i fall in love all over again.

Apr 26, 2016

I will love you in secret.

And in denial.

Apr 12, 2016

I am always alone.

It frustrates me sometimes but there's nothing that i can do about it. Despites my best attempt to be a social butterfly and a good company, people will always leave me alone. It's like this invisible line they afraid to cross, or maybe they don't even bother to visualize it.

I'm sad alone, i'm happy alone, i'm depressed alone.

Dear self, i'm here for you. No matter what, i'm here for you. For people will always do nothing but leave.

Apr 6, 2016

And here i am, thinking how much i don't want to care, yet still thinking and caring too much.

If only you know.

If only.


Why don't i just fall and hit my head somewhere then lose all of my memories? It works in a drama. It always do.


Who the hell is running away right now? Just a little bit confused here.


If i could sum up my life right now, it's a big fat SHIT.

Apr 3, 2016

It's like hearing goodbye all over again.


Don't you ever come back.

I don't even have the energy to get upset or angry anymore.

Too tired to give a damn.

Apr 2, 2016

It was his smile. It all started with that.

8 years and 3 months ago.

His smile is so big and warm, it's what i remembered best from that day. And the days onwards.

But i cannot recall when was the last time i was able to smile back at him when he was smiling at me. But it was then when it all crumbled down.

How shall we end this? How do i, end this?

Mar 16, 2016

Everything looks so dull. The air feels so stale and nauseating. Why does it all seems so important when it isn't?

I need a break from everything around me.

But where to run? More importantly, how?

Mar 12, 2016

I guess i'm still not fully recovered. I'm still wounded from the shock i had two and a half years ago. That was the greatest pain i have yet in my entire life.

It just hurts too much. You are still here, everywhere, hidden. We are way too complicated beyond words. And vulnerable.

I guess i will spend the rest of my life hiding my heart away, trying to be as numb and cold as i could.

Mar 3, 2016

I'm uninstalling every social media outlet that i have as of today. Trying to steer my life in one direction, however shabby it is. I'm just too unhappy recently. Got extended in 2 postings for total of 4 months, which means that i'll be a medical officer much later and stays in this hell of housemanship longer than i expected.

Social media just expose people's life more than it should. And then i start to compare myself to them which only adding up to my misery.

Why am i so miserably passionless and dreamless? I cannot find that one thing i'm good at and put my all into it. It's all so confusing and irritating to be so directionless. How am i supposed to go with the flow? I don't want to drown myself, so here i am still helplessly grabbing on tight to my comfort zone.

Dear self, you can't fly high if all you think about is how shattered you will be once you fall.

Feb 24, 2016

Dear self, i know you're almost thirty and yet still have no solid reason to wake up happy. Let's just have simple goals for now.

1. No more roomate or housemate.

2. Still thinking.

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